WHISTLING PAST THE GRAVEYARD!

As if things aren’t bad enough, TLW’s (The Little Woman) sister Maureen’s husband Steve, a likeable guy by anyone’s standards, had a scare the other day. We all had fears, and I didn’t want to say anything here, until I knew, one way or the other. Turns out, everything is fine, and so we all go on.

Steve is an old engineer from the old school of life. Came from a nice family, and raised a nice family with his school teacher wife, and carved out a section of Connecticut to call their own for some 40 past years.

If you know Steve, and have a piano, he will impress you with the piano tuner he carries in his breast pocket! For years, being he is Sicilian, I naturally figured he was packing heat, but no, it is a piano tuner.

Once many years ago, when they showed up for a visit, Steve strayed toward the piano. Leaning up against it, he asked if I play. He then reached into his breast pocket, as I dove for cover. Whipping out the tuner, he saved me about 90 bucks.

Steve has a brother, Eddie, who successfully went through by-pass surgery, so congratulations to Eddie! Eddie is another member of the Cosa Gilardi clan of which I write. Actually, they are the farthest from gangster life I could imagine, and give Italians (ok, Sicilian) a good name!

By the way, another nice handmade card from Maureen, which will go into my collection of cards, along with last years card, and the lovely Courtney, #1 Son’s girlfriend, who made a card for the family for Christmas.


Please remember all those that need our hopes and prayers, including my brother-in-law, John.

IS THAT WHAT I GOT?

Yesterday I went to my doctor, and almost died of old age, waiting to see him! He seems to be very busy when I hurt the most.

Walking gingerly, I go into the examining room and sit on the chair, since my back was killing me, I didn’t want to sit on the examining table.

Finally, he shows up! “Why are you here?” he asks, and I repeat for the third time, once when I got the appointment, once with the nurse, and now him. “I got a booboo in my tummy." “Where?” I point to where and he says” “That’s your bladder.” I think, this is good, he went to his anatomy classes, and now he wants to impress me with what he learned. He looks at my ‘pee test strip’ and says: “Oooh, you have a lot of blood in your urine! And, your temperature is up!” I come right back with: “Oh!” “Yes, see, this should be pink, it’s green! Go into the x-ray room. ” I go into the Xerox room and wonder why no one is coming, then, I realize my mistake. I find the x-ray room and his assistant comes in and says drop your pants and lay on the table” Now she is a kindly old woman, but I don’t think I want to do that with her! I get on the table, and she places a paper blanket over me and starts to dig into my bellybutton, while adjusting the x-ray machine. “The doctor will be right in.” Famous last words.

Laying there in agony, after 20 minutes, he finally arrives. He digs into my bellybutton, and calls in his assistant. “You ought to know this! The blue side goes in here, and this isn’t even locked in!” “I’ll try to do better the next time.”

He shoots and says: “Meet me in my office.”

I wait in his office. I think: “Is it cancer, a stone, am I going into the hospital, do I need to say ‘goodbye’ to all my family and friend?” I look around his office, read his diplomas, look at all the samples that are stacked against his wall, watch his computer monitor and wait some more. I think: I wonder if I’ll survive for one more birthday? Maybe I’ll go on my birthday! Hum, wouldn’t that be a kicker, one date covers all!” He finally shows up. I wonder where the x-ray is. Then he puts on his monitor, and there I am, in bones! “Is that me?” “Yes, it is. It looks pretty good, just that blood in your urine. Come back in a week and a half so I can check it out. Meanwhile you have a bladder infection!”

I go home and call TLW (The Little Woman). I tell her all, and she then calls me back. “I was consulting with my medical staff her at the Wanna-be Bank and Trust Company. Doug says he had a kidney stone and had to drink a lot of water, and Lois says to drink a lot of beer. She says that helps!”

Me; “Tell Doug thanks a lot and Lois that I love her.”

Please remember all those that need our hopes and prayers, including my brother-in-law, John.

WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT!

A few days ago, I started feeling a small pain in my lower stomach. It was nothing at first, but since then, the last two nights, the pain has gotten so that I can’t sleep. It is now to the point where I can’t touch it, without feeling the discomfort. It is also affecting my lower back and giving me the start of a headache!

Today (Thursday), I will try to schedule an appointment with my doctor and hope he can take me. I was up all night, and I don’t see the prospects for a good nights sleep, any evening soon, unless I do something about it.

I had tried to take my usual walk, and found great difficult in finishing it, and of course, I have to rest all the time. Here I was kidding TLW (The Little Woman) about ailments, and there I go!

Last evening, we took Happy, our cocker spaniel to the vet for a follow-up visit, and she is at least working out.

As I entered with TLW and her holding Happy on a leash, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone. (There were actually two birds in a cage), but I didn’t have a stone. I went up to the young lady and said: “I’m here for a follow-up visit for Happy, and could the doctor take a look at TLW while he’s at it, as she has been complaining lately?” Of course, I confused her, but what could I do, it was my opening to make a joke. Little did I realize, it was me who the Vet should have seen!

Please remember all those that need our hopes and prayers, including my brother-in-law, John.

THE DOKTER IS IN

The other day, TLW (The Little Woman) and me were walking in the mall for a little exercise. That is what old people do. The environment is controlled, and we can be entertained as we walk.

The walk was uneventful except for the fact that I was getting a litany of complaints due to physical ailments. TLW was running down a rather long list of physical ailments she needed to tell me about. Her motto is: “Misery loves company.” For years, my complaining has occupied our conversations, but not this time.

From her feet to her back, there were detailed descriptions! It finally came to me that I probably need a younger wife! Being how we have just celebrated 38 years, I think I should re-exam the marriage license, and see if I can trade her in for a seat at CitiField® in Flushing. The problem with that is I will need to throw in some cash, and probably a player to be named later. CitiField® seats are very expensive!

TLW wasn’t always like that. I just started to break down from day one, while she is only now starting. Of course, she has reasons for the breakdown carrying four children, while I have none. If I can make a trade, I will miss her, and would probably visit her once a month, to tell me what to do, or how to do it, or where it is.

I will be strong if the trade happens. Well, maybe not strong, maybe a little worried. OK, a lot worried. I wonder if this is such a good idea? Maybe I could get a loaner wife, someone who comes in once a week and tells me where, tells me who, and tells me how! I’d pay for that service. In fact, TLW could tell me which credit card to use to pay for it!

Please remember all those that need our prayers, including my brother-in-law, John.

ENOUGH!

I think I’ve reached my saturation point. I think I know all I want to know about Michael Jackson. I really don’t give a darn about his kids, how Elizabeth Taylor is feeling right now, or what some man in the street is grieving over because of Michael Jackson.

He may have been a great entertainer, maybe. I don’t know enough about him to care. He doesn’t warrant the coverage the press has afforded him. I’m sorry, he just doesn’t. He has squandered his money, his health and his reputation, and I should be interested in one more story about Michael Jackson? I should care that Latoya (sounds like a Toyota model of a new car) Jackson is paying a tribute all of a sudden, or that Joe Jackson is viewing all the tributes to his son on the front lawn, wearing a Sinatra hat? If it were Shoeless Joe Jackson, maybe I’d care.

The news shows, and that is what they are now, ‘shows’, are knocking themselves over to report about Michael Jackson, his family and his troubles. It seems they have lost their focus, and their credibility. They sensationalize trivia, and miss the important things that are very much alive in the world today. I would think that the injustice in Iran, the insanity in North Korea, the deaths of innocent people and their prior starving are much more news worthy. The fact that people are losing their homes and sanity because of the economy: has been put on the back burner! Doesn’t anyone care that we are now in a huge debt, one that is growing daily?

TV and the newspapers better get smart quick. People have access to the news via the Internet. The internet is timelier and better presented, and more relevant to today.

Please remember my brother in law John, and all those that need our prayers.

A STUDY

About a month ago, TLW (The Little Woman) informed me that she would be unable to attend my niece Annmarie’s baby shower, and that I would have to deliver the gift. “Just drop it off, and you can leave.” She promised me. Being the wonderful, no, let me correct that, being the wonderfully great husband that I am, I said I would.

A few weeks later, my oldest sister (a lot older) called me confused about the place where this event was being held. I checked with TLW and she was now confused since she had lost the invitation! So, I called the mother or future grandmother, my sister Mary Ann, the flying stewardess. “It’s at that Chinese restaurant near you. When you come, stay, we’ll fix you a plate, and you can sit with Mom and us and eat. Besides, I’ll need you to help bring home all the gifts to Annmarie’s house. So you have to stay!” This made me uneasy, and I said I’d think about it.

The day arrives, and I lug in a huge box of what I think are bowling balls, but TLW claims is something else. Thinking to myself: ”TLW must have volunteered to work today so I would have to carry this complete set of starter materials to build your own home.” Entering the place, I’m directed to a side room, filled with cackling hens! Lots of them! Yakking and chatting and filled with talk. Being how I passed the buffet table, and was hungry, I decided to stay at their urging and conduct a study. (What I do for you people!)

What goes on in these things is something else. Ten minutes of eats and then they sit and talk while the mother-to-be sits on a chair up front opening gifts! No one in the room is paying attention! No one! This does not stop them.

The other thing I discovered is that at the next table, they were wondering who the ugly aunt was. Not willing to give up my cover, I decided that I would not let them know I was the ugly uncle. “Ohh, I think she’s dead! Call 911.” “No, stick a mirror under her nose to see if she is still breathing.” Said another. “I’ll bet her husband left her the first morning after the wedding.” added another. So, Ipso Fatso, this was becoming uncomfortable and so I decided to find some ice cream. That always makes me feel better: besides, I think I was starting to fill with water at that point.

Please remember all those that need our prayers, including my brother-in-law, John.

OH! HOW I HATE A PARADE!

Years ago, as a little lad, Mom would feed me cream cheese and jelly on white bread, for lunch. Every day I would get cream cheese and jelly. This kept me quiet until dinner. As Mom got wiser, she suddenly switched to peanut butter and jelly. She realized the sheer economics of peanut butter in a jar and its costs as opposed to cream cheese in a package that needed refrigeration, and the fact that peanut butter gave you more sandwiches per jar than cream cheese in a package.

Then one day, I got terribly ill with a stomach virus! Yes, while eating peanut butter! I was so ill, I swore to myself that I would never eat peanut butter again!

As life worn on, eating peppers and eggs or potatoes and eggs on Italian bread for lunch became a norm, as did ham and cheese, baloney or salami. Meanwhile, my little sisters were emerging as paraders! Yes, they were parading around the streets of Long island, in fancy uniforms and playing or flinging instruments about, to nobodies business. They belonged to a school band, one was a majorette, and one played a clarinet. At this time, I was in college, studying to become an artist, and taking a course in photography. Mom and Dad went out and purchased me a camera, a 35mm Tower from Sears, and there was a price to pay for their largesse. I had to shoot pictures of the parades!

Every time there was a parade, I had to go and follow it along its route, and shoot. You might say I was a routing shooting toting photographer. After a day of shooting, one eye would remain closed for the day; from the sheer muscle tension of holding it closed! I think it was similar to tennis elbow; only I called it photographer’s eye.

Finally, I finished my course in photography, and laid down the camera, right in the middle of a St. Patrick’s Day parade at the intersection of the four corners in Patchogue! I went home and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Upon arriving home, my parents were furious, and as my two little sisters line up to eagerly watch my demise, they all found me in the bathroom, my head deep into the toilet, tossing up the peanut butter.

Dad looked at Mom and said: “I guess he went to one parade too many!” Mom agreed, and my little sisters walked away disappointed.

Please remember my brother-in-law John, and all those that need our prayers.