DelBloggolo

Thursday, August 31, 2006

GAINING WEIGHT WHILE WATCHING TV

Yesterday the Little Woman and I were watching a cooking show on the old telly. The Little Woman is like a religious zealot when it comes to fats, with a fervor that leaves me felling guilty if I even look at olive oil. She could very easily lead a torch procession to burn and stone Emeril Lagasse and the Food Network.

Rachelle Ray was putting a little olive oil on one of her creations, and as she did, I could feel Miss Manning squirming in her rocker, nearly going off it. One tablespoon according to the Little Woman should be enough to feed a family of twelve for 7 days, in which you drip into a container any left over olive oil from that tablespoon.

I myself like to use olive oil to flavor things at the end of the cooking process. This is a NO NO, and will be dealt with swiftly with a tsk, tsk and a severe look. If I ever do that, The Little Woman will make me feel like a six year old with his hand in the cookie jar. I guess I shouldn’t complain since I feel young again. Of course there is a good reason for the way she feels, the fat from olive oil is intense and if something taste good, that should be a clue that it is not healthy.

Well fortunately for me I have been listening to her and accommodating her dietary request when I cook. She is working very hard to lose weight, and I think if she loses enough weight she will be so skinny that I can again use olive oil, claiming I didn’t know she was there, I didn’t see her.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

THE BABY IS STARTING COLLEGE!

The baby is starting college??!!

The house is in shock this morning, we awaken to a new era, one filled with pride and uncertainty, and feeling the newness of it all and feeling old. There are no children in my household anymore.

It is a dark overcast morning, the Little Woman has drunk a whole pot of coffee before I even got up, and the quietness is eerie but loud. I try to read a newspaper but that little echo keeping bouncing off the walls “The baby is starting college.”

I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself, but once again the world is revolving into change. One revolution, 24 hours and things are not the same.

When the Little Woman cracks a joke, you know things are changing. I found this red spot about half the size of a dime in the fold of my right arm, showed it to the Little Woman and she said “cancer.” Well so much for complaining. Her joke is from nervousness.

Where is that little infant that the doctor held up and said “it’s a boy!” the little infant that then peed across the bed and onto my shoes? Now that I think about it, where is that little kid that played the toy violin and drums and had toys scattered all over the house? We used to take his picture on the first day of kindergarten, or was it first grade and every first day since.

There was a toddler that went around the house and made us laugh until his teenage years, who came into our lives just in time, where is he? I know, he is going out into the world to try and right things for mankind, to solve some of life’s mysteries, to help feed the poor, to try and make this place a better world for all. I hope he succeeds in at least one of these things, it is a hard world.

Michael has worked hard this past year, being not only a good student, but also a good son and we are sure he is just starting to succeed.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

RETIRED OR RETRIED?

Well I knew it would happen. My old boss has called upon me once again to do a little work for him. Not that any project I do is little, its’ just that I like to do as little of it as possible. Somehow I will be designing from beyond the grave, it’s the way life is, its’ the way I am, its’ the way death will be for me.

Doing even a little bit on a commercial basis means wearing a watch, keeping an appointment, schedules and meetings. Of course I can charge maybe a dinner or two or lunch as an expense, but it is still work.

So how do I keep in a business-like manner? For starters: watching the traffic in the morning, reading a newspaper and drinking coffee even though I’m not driving, having a meeting with myself while laying down on the couch watching TV and setting a time period where I have all the time in the world to do anything I want. It will be tough, but I have to adjust to this busy new work schedule.

At least when I go to visit the old place, I will be leaving early, arriving when I say I will, and maybe finagling a lunch or two from them.

Please don’t feel bad, just send cash.

Monday, August 28, 2006

NECESSITY IS A REAL MOTHER

I was watching the TV with the Little Woman the other night and an ad came on selling a really nice invention. You’ve seen these ads where someone comes up with something and you say: “Why didn’t I think of that?” The item I’m speaking of is a collapsible colander that you can fold and put in a draw or stand up between two pots, if folds to about a ¼’ in thickness. Something like that makes someone rich and I could have thought of it too, and be rich right now.

Another item that I’m really excited about is for your clothes dryer. You’ve seen where they invented these little papers that you throw into your dryer to get the clothes lint free or wrinkle free or even smelling good. Well hold on, they came up with these little balls that you throw into the dryer, which in turn replace those little pieces of paper!

They call them “Dryer balls” and you just toss them into the drum and off you go, carefree without a worry for your clothing. Why? Because your dryer has balls! Yes, no more feckless little dryers anymore, now it can stand up to the washing machine because it has balls.

Isn’t it great in America?
We could all use dryer balls.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

WILL THE REAL RUDY BEGONIA PLEASE STAND UP

Last night was a surprise party for my first niece Laurie Ann, the one I consider special. She and I grew up together in our roles as uncle and niece. While I was recuperating from a car accident on late afternoons, we would sit together in front of the big color Magnavox TV and watch Sesame Street and the Electric Company, Her Mother would be downstairs yakking with Nana and I would entertain the sweetest little girl born to that date. We learned to count and say our alphabet, and let’s face it, without Laurie Ann, I would have never learned.

Her name alone would tell you how sweet she still is, it has a magical, melodic quality to it, and in my mind there is only ONE Laurie Ann. No one else should have that name. She made me special being her uncle. I had a new title, and took it seriously. Those big dark eyes and constant smile, her quiet mild disposition have transcended the years and keep my world steady every time I see her. Laurie Ann has always been “There” for everyone that needed comforting; she is a great niece, daughter, granddaughter, wife and mother. She has a beautiful family and and great husband who is full of life named Gerard. If I were to pick out a husband for my niece, it would be Gerard. She has two great kids (See Thursday, July 06, 2006 HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVEN!)

When I heard that my sister was pregnant, I thought that after all these years of girls in my life (four sisters) finally a boy! I didn’t think my brother-in-law would drop the ball because I could rely on him. Off I went to Patchogue to Grants and bought a set of HO gauge electric trains for my new nephew. Being how this was before my accident, I had to go to NYC to view a cinema called “The Red Desert” directed by Antonio Antonini at the Beekman Theatre. After the movie I took the train home to Patchogue and met my Dad at his place of business for a ride home. He told me that my sister Theresa had a girl! I was stunned by the curse of sisters, feeling like a Red Sox fan looking for his first World Series. I composed myself and went home. Then I went to the hospital to hear my Brother in law say: “It takes a man to have a girl” I thought about that for a while and though, just like Dad, he’s making excuses. Of course I found out later that what he said was indeed true when the Little Woman had my first child!

Once while I was still in a cast, I went to visit my aunt with my sister and mother and sat in the back seat of my sister’s car with Laurie. Poor Laurie was not at her best that day and was crying. I tried everything I could to keep her from crying, she would stop, look at me and cry again, Finally I made my voice deep and said: “Will the real Rudy Begonia please stand up.” Well not only did she stop, but she even laughed! For the rest of the trip that’s all she did whenever I said: “Will the real Rudy Begonia please stand up.”

Her birthday isn’t until September 17, but
Happy Birthday Laurie Ann, we all love you as you could tell last night.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

WELL, I CAN’T READ OR SEE EVERYTHING!

Yesterday I went to the library. Being how it was raining, I figured it was a good way to spend a day and take home some good stuff that I could enjoy by myself. I selected a good book, about heart breaking losses in baseball and two DVDs, one with James Mason and Richard Burton, “Desert Rats” and a horror flick the way it should be made with Boris Karloff.

While perusing the shelves of the cinema and literary worlds, I couldn’t help but notice that I am missing a great deal of selection from the bottom shelves. It seems that my body has decided what I shall read or see. If it means I have to bend my knees, or worst still, bend at the waist, forgettaboutit.

Unless there is money on the ground, or a picnic lunch on a blanket, you “Ain’t getting me ta bend down.” No, my body has certain limits, it refuses too be inconvenienced and will react angrily to my pushing it. I have tried to: reason with it, begged it, bribed and cajoled it, it just won’t do it.

I suspect that the defiance is due to my retirement, and the fact that if I won’t sit in traffic, I’m not bending down.

So if I’m missing the boat in literature and the cinema, it’s probably because they put the boat on the bottom shelf.

Friday, August 25, 2006

NO MORE PICKLES

I’m not one to get overly sensitive about scientific issues, but the news lately has been ghastly. It seems that the International Astronomical Union has coldly voted off Pluto from the solar system! It troubles me because can earth be far behind? How can you vote off years of recognition by millions and millions of people?

There are major ramifications by the callous move by a bunch off fussy astronomers, issues that affect not only the science of astronomy, but also math and literature. Kids will think nine planets and see only eight! How do we explain that? If some child were to come to me and say: “what happened to Pluto?” what do I tell him? “Well son, Pluto was a fake, a sham, it got what it deserved.” Now eight will mean nine, and think of all the books in the universe that mention Pluto, all have to be rewritten.

Future conversation:

Me: “Pluto is gone”

#2 Son: “Cool, buy another one.”

As you can see this will not do.

But the biggest issue is mnemonic standbys such as: My very eager Mother just served us nine.

NINE WHAT?

No more pickles!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM

After being threatened with an escort of thugs out the building, I was given a “Pass” that I was to wear during my visit to PCH. The so-called “Pass” was really a nametag that said: “Hello, my name is….” Then the powers that be stamped on it 382, the number of the building, and not my name.

I left the pass on my shirt, since I was coming back after a very pleasant lunch and figured that would help me get back into the building. We collect our lunch party and headed off to a great little Italian restaurant, had our lunch and paid our bill.

As we left the restaurant, two gentlemen were entering and as they passed us, one commented after looking at my pass and said: Is your name 382????

“Yes” I replied, my Mother had so many children she started to number us. But I must say, she’s still in great shape.

True story.

Sorry the headline is longer than the story

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

LONG TIME – NO SEE!

Today I took a ride to my old haunts in Port Washington and Hicksville, visiting some of the people I love in the business world. First: I stopped at the Hicksville office to say and tease them that I was retired and they sere still working. Once I removed the computer from you know where, I decided to visit Port Washington and Publishers Clearing House, “the place where dreams come true.” Since it was a good long while since I had seen everyone, the reunions with all the great people I know there started out rather ominous to say the least. I announced myself to the receptionist and asked for Carole Sapienza, who the receptionist rang up. A strange look fell over the lady’s face as she told me point blank that I was to be escorted out of the building!

Needless to say it was a prank by the crank of Carole, and I was the SAPienza! Carole came to collect me in the lobby, and everyone had a good laugh at my expense. It seems there was payback in this prank somehow. She will pay.

There were five of us, as we sauntered off to a quaint Italian Restaurant that I kid you not had wash hanging from the ceiling! It was part of the décor of a courtyard in Italy, but it could have been the backyard I grew up in, in Brooklyn.

Besides the lovely Carole was her partner in dastardly deeds perpetrated upon my innocent person in the form of Jan Spalding, a hired gun of Carole’s who doesn’t shoot strait. Rounding out the collection of Post Office pinups were Kathy Taylor and the “Horn”, the one and only Susan Einhorn formally a Hirshhorn, but lost her standing when she changed her name through marriage. It should be noted that Susan was always changing her copy, driving all the art directors: insane as they had to revise their work. One night while leaving the building I pass Susan’s office late and she was still working! I inquired as to why and stated that I thought for sure, she would be out, changing her mind!

Jan was her exceptional beautiful self, as she and the lovely Mrs. Sapienza ran me through my paces, visiting all the guys and gals I had known for years. And for the effervescent Mrs. Taylor, why she made sure that I saw everyone I wanted to see. What a great bunch of gals!

Today were such a pleasant visits from Hicksville to Port Washington, that it defies in some ways that old adage: “You can’t go home again.” Well you can with the people I had lunch and visited with.

Monday, August 21, 2006

IT’S PARTY TIME IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Saturday the neighborhood, (The hood) had a little get together. Hosted by the Ignellzi’s across from me, we had a great time. The host and hostess are two wonderful people with great values and great kids. Alyson, the real brains behind the Ignellzi operation is a lady with great home décor design sense, who is in the wrong business. She is also the undisputed champion of sausage and peppers! Great stuff!

Richie her Husband is one of these guys that loves to be around people and is a great host. You know he loves his family and does along with Alyson a great job in raising two great and good-looking kids.
My man Bill was there along with his family, and with all the other neighbors, we laughed and drank like nobody’s business, as I knocked back 3 or 4 tequila shots (especially from Jalisco, made from fermented sap of a maguey-like agave) Just thought you’d like to know.

Coupled with the beer and Molly’s Irish Cream the Little Woman is probably applying for an annulment about now.

The fact to this whole matter is that I’m glad the hood can keep up with the big boy☺ I was able to walk away, still standing and quite sober. I think the Jack Daniel Manhattan’s I consume keep me in training for these kinds of events. Thank you very much!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

HEY COUSIN!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of seeing my cousin Billy who happened to be on Long Island and was attending a high school reunion in Huntington. It’s funny how we change physically as we get older, and then with those changes we see glimpses of the past by mannerisms and inflections of the voice.

Billy lives in Virginia Beach, and usually travels to Florida to visit his Mom, who is in her early to mid eighties and widowed. When Billy visits my Aunt, he does as much as he can to help her. He is a good son who appreciates all his parents did for him, taking my widowed and walker bound aunt wherever she wants to go, and fixing up little things around the house for her.

While attending college, I lived for a while at my aunt’s house and saw Billy grow up. He was always a good kid and did a lot for his parents. Being a chunky little kid who was very active, he would make his parents pancakes and coffee at the tender age of 6 or 7 years of age.

Billy loved the New York Knicks when they were still awful 60”s style. A bunch of bad and over the hill players who could only be watched under a gun, he loved them, watching every game on TV. We got along very well, since I was so much older, and he loved to wrestle with me, getting red in the face with his blond hair sticking up and sweat pouring out of it. He had a great toothy smile and was always happy, doing what any mischievous kid at that age did, getting into little peccadilloes and getting his reprimand from Mom and Dad.

Since my Uncle was very low keyed, this kid was a box of action, laughing, rolling and rollicking, noisy and at the same time loving. He really was a special kid. Yesterday I noticed he now has a little southern accent in his voice.

As we get older, we lose touch with what is really important. People who leave found memories are important to me, and in Billy’s case, I dropped the ball. Billy is adopted, but he is the only cousin I have who not self indulged, and I am proud of him.

Friday, August 18, 2006

SNAKES ON THE PLANE OR BATS IN THE BELFRY

Today was bonding time with #2 son, and the very first movie revue for DelBloggolo. The Little Woman informed me that #2 son expressed a desire to see the movie “SNAKES ON THE PLANE” with me, and would I take him today.

Except for the large cast of snakes and Samuel L. Jackson, the acting was horrific, I think the plot was dropped because of budgetary restrictions, and the audience was on a first name basis, all five of us. Today was the movie’s premier showing, and story line was about why I should read movie reviews before I see one.

It was written for high school sophomores with permission to see titilizing sex. The premise of the movie is that if you recommend this movie to anyone, he/she will never speak to you again.

As we drove to the theatre, #2 Son tells me that the general public wrote some of the movie with suggested scenes, and I think the ones that did go back to elementary school in a few weeks, which should save Hollywood for a while.

I guess it was so bad it was good. Maybe it was good and bad! Maybe I should stay out of movie theatres if this is what they are making. I took a few courses in college that stressed that cinema is art, now it is craftsmanship at the lowest level.

The shame of it is that I missed a Yankee, Red Sox game, however at least I shared some time with the kid.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

WHY ME GOD?

There is a movie called “THE WEDDING DATE” starring Debra Messing that I happened to catch part of. There is this scene where a fellow is washing his boat and has a bucket of water that he tosses against the side of the boat, and it splashes back into his face. Every time I see that scene, I laugh because it reminds me of myself. Getting splashed is exactly what would happen to me, even if I knew it was coming.

I have been prone to accidents since I was born, running around the house with a glass baby bottle in my mouth, falling and having the glass slivers cut into my tongue. Fortunately not all my accidents have been that bad, but usually something happens to me. I wash dishes, pour something into the sink, and hit the edge, the liquid running down my pants. Once when I was working at PCH, I met someone in the men’s room, while washing my hands. I started talking to the individual, leaning against the sink with my arms folded when all of a sudden I feel something wet on my lower back! Someone had left the sink I was leaning against all wet, and it left a long streak of wetness along my back, parallel to my belt!

When I eat in the office, I take a cloth napkin to work and put it around my neck, tucked into my collar. Nothing hits my tie or shirt, but sure as hell it finds my lap.

Being absent minded could be the reason, but don’t flatter me that way because my mind was never there to begin with. I once got into the same section of a revolving door at a bank, with this little old lady. I have been known to enter apartments thinking I was somewhere else, when I was in a stranger’s home! (More on that one later.)

One of my worst offenses is what I call name blank. You may have experienced it yourself, but I own the rights to this phenomena. I go to introduce two or more people that I know well, yet forget one persons name for some reason. What I usually do is stall the introduction, elaborating on how I know this individual until he or she blurts out their name.

And the very worst thing that can happen to me? When the Little Woman ask me to take care of something she’s been handling all along, say picking up a medication and using a debit card to pay for it. I don’t know the procedure, and inevitably the pharmacist has to guide me as I mumble, “The Wife usually takes care of this.”

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

ME, DAD AND POWER TOOLS

My dad was the most efficient user of power tools that fit a homeowner’s toolbox. He didn’t own many, just a power drill and a circular power saw, but the energy he saved from using just those two items and his only son, are a remarkable testament to the body of work he performed, and the labor he saved. I wouldn’t even begin to mention the accolades he received from the results he achieved from all three. Tony was a genius!

I know, I still have some of the scars from his genius, still possess some of the back pain from his mastering efficiency to the fullest sense. Power tools are what make the man, not the son who holds the ladder, who holds the wood, who holds his breath as Pop slams the circular baby into the plywood, as it screeches across the grain of pine, maple and oak, spewing saw dust into the air and up my nostrils. Just make sure you don’t move, or you will hear a crescendo of Italian curse words fall about your ears.

Dad was a leader, he often lead me to one kind of job or another, be it woodworking or painting a wall, Pop lead me there. We were an interesting army of two. He being the General and Admiral (some plumbing) and I the dog foot soldier doing the grunt work. Once we had to paint this factory office on a wintry Sunday afternoon. Orders were issued thus: “Get a broom, clean out the corners of the ceiling, and follow with a rag and clean between the walls and the ceiling, When you are done, get on the floor and clean along the woodwork and floor, and don’t forget the corners, I’m going to mix the paint” or, “You stand here and hold this wooden tee (Weighing a ton) with the sheet rock on it, while I nail it up.” Dad was the master planner, always had solutions to problems, namely: me.

One day we were going to paint this house and Dad found this one wall with a lot of nails and nicks in it. He says to me: “You want some coffee?” Me thinking he was going to send me out to get it, said “Yes”, He says: “Good, I’ll go get some at the deli, meanwhile you get all these nails out, and get some putty to smooth out the bad spots. And make sure you sand”

What a genius!

Monday, August 14, 2006

GETTING IN LINE

“He’ll offer you the heights of ecstasy, but you’ll spend eternity in the depths of hell.”

Pretty scary stuff when you’re waiting on line to pay college tuition! Or if you like,

“This is the beginning of the end.” Yes, for poor old Dad as he pays up.

When in a college line, never bring reading material, it is provided for you by the students themselves. Although the reading material is not of your choosing, it is interesting none-the-less. What you must realize however is that the reading is on the back of a t-shirt, and it constantly moves about. The other problem is all the t-shirts are black, the lettering either white or red, and with it comes dandruff that sprinkles itself between the letter spacing.

There are other distractions and amusements to bide your time. A mother and her son go onto the end of the long line, and the young prodigy immediately declared that he was not going to wait on the line. Of course Mamma had other thoughts about it, and as her baby turned to leave, she stated she would call “Daddy” and put an end to the nonsense.

People watching can be fascinating, and I have perfected the art years ago, waiting for trains and buses, watching people and trying to figure out what their calling in life was. Most of the parents waiting on line were middle-aged people from humble backgrounds that looked like they were aggravated and their child was helping them look that way. As for my child, he was happy to be there, following all the instructions, reading all the signs and listening to all the directions. Signs are everywhere. “Any student that attends class without a photo ID will cause his parents to be arrested, and they in turn will have to pay even more.” “If your parents have any loose change in their pockets, it must be deposited with the cashier.” “All parents are required to leave signed blank checks with the cashier.”

College life is exciting, and being a college bound parent I’m excited for #2 son, but not for my pockets. We don’t even know about books yet, what books he’ll need, and where we can purchase them, let alone how much they will cost.

Pray for me.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

DRESSING DOWN

Yesterday #2 Son went to a party for some little girlfriend of his. As he was leaving I thought how strange everything is becoming. He took a shower, and then dressed like he was going into the mountains of Columbia to wage a revolution. Even his hat made him look like Fidel, minus the cigar and beard.

When I was his age I always dressed with pressed and starched clothing. My pants had a crease, and my shirt was always ironed and above all clean. I looked very nice and thought nothing of it as I entered the party. I took it for granted I wanted to stay, and that no one would throw me out for looking like a bum.

Today everything is now easier and less complicated on the social scene. Even at work it is becoming very casual. I envy that, since for years I wore ties and jackets or suits always uncomfortable and weary that I would spill something on my suit or tie. You spill something on yourself today, and it adds to the charm. Red stains on a white shirt today mean red accessories, mud on the shoes means look for more mud.

Kids come into my house and almost none of them say “Hello” or introduce themselves. Some are even helping themselves to something to eat! I guess casual has its’ rewards. I have been keeping track of who my kid is so if I’m hit up for money I know how much interest to charge. (Family members always get a lower rate.)

I can remember when my Mother sent me to church on Sunday, dressed like I was going for a job, suit and tie with polished shoes. Today you can mistakenly give money to what you thought was a derelict who five minutes later, is saying the Mass! Yes, even the priest dress like bums. The nuns have shed their habits (dress wise, they are still mean to me.) I can remember when you got on a plane to fly off somewhere or even the LIRR to visit someone: you always dressed up.

Well, I guess I’ll brush off my sneakers, I have a wedding to go to.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

THE QUEST FOR DIRECTION

In a few weeks The Little Woman, #2 Son and me will fly down to North Carolina for a wedding at Duke University. What‘s important here is not the Bride and Groom, but how we will look. I do not wish to look too good, because I don’t want to upstage the Bride. With the coming event looming, the Little Woman decided to go dress hunting, and needed someone to carry the rifles, food and medical supplies on his head as she foraged, and traipsed through the jungles of the Huntington Mall. The safari started out at 9:30 in the am, and continued to about 1:00 pm.

Bwana wanted a particular look with a particular price, while boy wanted a particular bench to rest his tired feet. Covering every store in the mall, we finally came to this one store that had what she wanted. Bloomingdales! Let me tell you, the Little Woman has lost weight that no one felt she needed to lose, but when she did, WOW! She looks great! Well the Little Woman looks like I should call my wife and tell her I’ll be late for dinner beautiful! Very elegant and chic, FORGEDDABOUTIT!

As I rested, I realized that this was the second mall in a week, and that there are many more malls left in the U.S. I figure she will slowly work her way out to Hawaii and Alaska before going international.

One of the most amazing facts that I learned living with Marco Polo is that she has a great sense for direction while in a mall. I on the other hand, find myself in constant confusion as I try to remember where the hell I am, where I parked the car and what day it is. The Little Woman can be blindfolded, taken to a strange mall where I will park the car, take her into the mall, take her blindfold off of her, and she will shop for a few hours, then find the car. I say “Thank God”, because I could never find it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

NOW, IF THEY CAN ONLY BRING ME BACK

You may have read recently that GM is bringing back the Camaro. It was the sports car of its day, right behind the Corvette. It was the one car I truly loved of all the cars I owned in my lifetime. The Camaro made me cool: along with my Edwardian Suits and wide toed shoes, with colorful floral patterned ties, I cut quite a figure.

Never again will they bring back the feeling I had when I first drove that little green beauty with its’ black vinyl roof and gold interior bucket seats. My younger sister got herself a Red Mustang around that time, but it didn’t have the charm of that little green monster.

There are a lot of things they should bring back in life. One of those things was the days I spent dating the Little Woman. They probably were the best carefree days of my life. I had a beautiful girlfriend, money in my pocket and a keen sense for a good time. The Little Woman, (Miss Manning) would always have a smile on her face, a sweet disposition and a cold nose. I used to love to call her on the phone at her job at Mobile Oil in NYC. She had and still does have a sexy voice, and when she answered her phone with “Miss Manning”, I wanted to leave my office and go direct to Mobile Oil.

Another thing they should bring back is the times I spent playing ball with my kids. I loved to play ball as a child and tried to get that enthusiasm into my kids. Playing catch with your son is like tossing all the current problems I may have had and just talking about baseball, football or anything the kid was involved with. I can remember my daughter Ellen, who could hardly stand on her feet, being able to catch a large rubber ball on one bounce, and getting so excited she would drop the ball and clap her hands!

Of course no one should live in the past, but it is the past that teaches.

So if you are young, go out and buy a Camaro, maybe you’ll find a sexy sounding beautiful girlfriend, have money in your pockets, and a good time will come automatically. Stay away from Edwardian suits and floral ties.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

IT’S LIKE GETTING TEETH PULLED

Have you ever gone through something that just refuses to pan out. Well for the past year that is exactly what is happening to me when it comes to the dentist.

My dentist came to America from the noble land of Greece, and is a Greek freedom fighter, and is fighting me over here in the States. Not only does her accent prevent me from understanding her, her attitude prevents me from liking her. She is very lazy, and I think she got her diploma from Spike’s Dental School and Automotive Repair Shop. (Come to think about it, she has spread out a little if you know what I mean.) And that chest! Smothering me as she exams my mouth, telling me no less to open wide! She should open an office and call it: Teeth R Us. Instead Dr. Lazyopoulous works with a “Dental Group.” With a Dental Group you get to make an appointment at any time so you can come back later in two or three weeks to be told: ”Uh-Uh” we don’t do that. No, it turns out what I need is 5 crowns and 3 bridges for my mouth. I don’t think NYC has that many bridges. The Dental Group has their “specials” the GW Bridgework, that keeps your gums tied up for over ¾ of an hour, they offer the Throgs Neck Bridgework which spans the whole side of your mouth, letting little deposits drop into your throat to choke you, and the special of the house, the Whitestone Bridgework that comes in lovely white enamel caps, and if you are on your way to New England, your mouth will taste the seaside, (seaweed extra, of course.)

Speaking of “Course”, the cost…Over six thousand molars, but they do take credit cards. One of the important aspects of the Dental Group is their free offering of forms to fill out. If they haven’t seen you in more than 1 year, out come the forms. Such forms with questions like: How old was your Mother-in-law when she cut her first tooth, and her phone number when she was three years old, the current policy number in which you better have insurance to pay for this, and a new form on sleep apnea! It seems that they would like to expand the business, and figure this field to be a natural. I fill out the form, and they tell me I am a prime candidate for apnea testing and research, in which I will be receiving a call in a few days. I just hope they don’t awaken me from one of my naps. (Actually I am resting my eyes.) Then there is the form that is written in 5 point Times Roman Condensed, that fills the 8 ½” x 11” paper with what you are supposed to read that will absolve them when they screw up the job, and you come out talking like you walk with a swish and talk with a lisp to booth.

You call ahead and they ask: “What are you coming in for?” You go to the receptionist and she asks: “What are you here for?” They escort you into the examining room and the assistant asks: “What are you here for?” and finally, Dr. Lazyopoulous asks: “Why are you here?” I think: “to annoy you my dear with my teeth.”

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW THE BIBLE

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A
CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THEOLD
AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE
WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS
JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A
JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO
GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Special thanks to Joellen and Seth Smith

Monday, August 07, 2006

MY BEST LAID PLANS

Yesterday was so beautiful I became inspired and mentioned to the Little Woman that we should pack a lunch and drive out to the North Shore of Long Island and stop at a winery for a few samples, find a shady spot to spread a blanket and have lunch, and maybe look for a beach where we could just lay on the sand and hear the roar of the ocean while smelling the salty water. I thought that maybe we could take the time just for ourselves, forgetting work and any children that needed attention. The Little Woman jumped on the idea like a cat on a hot tin roof.

As we began our trip I became suspicious as we headed east on the LIE, and I was directed to take the last exit. This exit if not careful can lead you to the Tangier Shopping Mall. I started looking for the vineyards of the North Fork, but all I could see was liquor stores with specials hanging in their large windows. Undeterred, I started to look for a small grassy spot where we could lay a blanket out and eat a pick nick lunch, when I realized we didn’t bring any lunch. Instead I found an overhead shelter made of concrete that overlooked the parking lot of the Mall, where I sat while the Little Woman went into some of the stores. The beach you ask? Well there was a vending machine that sold mineral water, ice cold.

Some how, we had screwed up the master plan and took what was in store for us. That is to say every woman’s store in the Tangier Shopping Mall in Riverhead. Included in this array of romantic stops where at least two linen stores. I figured maybe she was buying silk sheets, but no, she was buying pillows for her baby.

In all fairness to the Little Woman, she and I had a commitment for later that afternoon, so my plans weren’t practical. Call us Sputnik and Explorer for the two satellites of the 50’s that dominated the news, as we revolve around #2 son until he gets his driver’s license. AOK?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

I PUT THE “K” IN KWALITY

Now that I’m retired, I decided to give the Little Woman a break and do as much as I can around the house, being as how she works. Besides I don’t need a worn out wife working night and day. Don’t get me wrong, I always helped when I could, and if I saw that a floor needed vacuuming, I would grab the machine and do it. Emptying the dishwasher, filling the dishwasher, throwing out the trash, even mopping a floor once in a while, no problem. Make a bed, I’m your man, just try and get out of it before I make it, please. But now things will be different, I will make it a routine and hope to not screw it up to badly.

One of the things I will have to do is develop my own phraseology and use it as the occasion arises. My Mom had her own, things like: “All that butter, what am I made of butter?” One of my favorites was “Shut those lights off, what do you think, I’m related to the light company?” Or the best was “Wait, just wait till you’re married, then we’ll see who’s cheap!” Of course my phrases will have to be up-to-date, state-of-the-art little nasties that I can fling at will. Maybe something like: “Yo! You paying the bills this month?” Or, “Yo (talking to the same party, you know who) are you going to hire a valet to pick up after you?” I know these are weak, but they are in the developmental stage, and need work. The Little Woman never uses phrases; she just goes along and does what needs to be done. I like the use of phrases because it will lend itself to how I feel at the moment.

My attempts at being Suzy Spotless will not come without a price. I know darn well I screw some things up at first and maybe even second times. You can’t replace a pro with an amateur when it comes to housework. The Little Woman can clean a messed up house in nothing flat, just by her organizational skills while I will plod along at first. I will still keep up the outside, which I like to do because I love the yard, pool and plants. My most useful tool, glad you asked, the phone, with speed dial to her desk.

Friday, August 04, 2006

DOC, THIS NECK STRAIN IS KILLING ME!

Yesterday I was sitting in the waiting room of a neurologist that my daughter was scheduled to see. As I was waiting for her to arrive, a couple in their late 60’s arrived, and the wife went to the see the receptionist, while the husband took a seat. She was a short stout woman with short grayish blond hair and the face of a pugilist ready to retire. He was a tall gentleman with glasses, bald and gave off the appearance of being meek and helpless. The wife, (let’s call her Max, for Max Bear) sat across from him. She started to fill out some forms attached to a clipboard and he was reading a magazine when she suddenly called him over to sit next to her. She dropped the clipboard in his lap and gave him a pen the finish up the forms. After a long hesitation, and slowly writing by him, Max grabbed the pen and board and looked at him like he was stupid. She then proceeded to complete the forms. Mr. Meek got up and went to his original seat next to me with an empty seat between us.

Suddenly a very attractive young lady arrived that caused me to put aside the troubles of the world (which I carry on my shoulders) and look at one of God’s creations at its best. Being how I was flying solo I looked just to make sure that I didn’t know her. I would hate to be rude and not say “Hello!” She was a stunning brunette with a body sculpted from marble, her hair flowing down past her shoulders, wearing this black outfit that cried out to me, “If Ellen could read your mind you’d be dead!”

Mr. Meek happened to notice the young lady also. In fact, he went out of his way to be discreet about it, and not let Max catch him in the process while her outfit screamed out to him “If Max catches you you’re dead also!”

Mr. Meek first tried to slightly turn his head in the brunette’s direction, but Max kind of got a sense that something was up as she shot him a glance and he dropped his head. Mr. Meek then twisted his head in the opposite direction of the Brunette but jammed his eyes over to steal another glimpse. Max looked at him and said, Stan, you come sit next to me now. I couldn’t see his reaction, because I was behind the national Geographic, stifling a laugh while squeezing my stomach together to keep my body still.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

THE GREAT PURGE

Yesterday I was driving with #2 son by an old graveyard, and as we past, he asked me if I knew who was buried there. I assured him not individually, but collectively they are all dead. This answer is not right. The correct answer is Masons are buried there. Yes, I think he means Free Masons, because there isn’t a whole lot of stone work in the graveyard.

He asked me if I knew any Masons, and I answered yes I did from my past.

“All Masons should be purged.”
“What!!??”
“You heard me, all Masons should be purged.”
As unwilling to further this conversation that I was, foolish me continued it.
“You mean out of government?”
“No, shot”
“SHOT?:
“Yup, they are nothing but traitors to their country.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes, you should shoot them”
“OK, but only one, after all I am retired now. But does that mean you are taking down the Soviet Russian flag off your wall?”

Earlier that day I took him to the Subway sandwich restaurant so he could buy himself some lunch. After purchasing his sandwich, he gets into the car and as we drive away, I inquire as to what constitutes his sandwich.
“Oh, grilled vegetables with cheese and Italian spices and sauce.”
“Wow, you slap some salami on that sucker and you are in business!”
“Why don’t you become a veggie?”
“Because I love meat.”
But it will kill ya.”
“OK, you quit smoking and I become a vegetarian.”
“OK, you become one now and I will quit.”
“No way, because if I know you, while I’m eating like a rabbit, you’ll smoke to that.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I’VE GOT ISSUES

You are probably wondering what this grouch has issues about. Well, let me tell you. The Little Woman was watching a TV show the other day. It was one of these shows about home remodeling, which was followed by a similar show right after it. In both these shows, a woman returns to her home and sees the results of the remodeling. They go into the most annoying phrase to come out of U. S. culture in a long time. The Phrase?

“OH, MY, GOD!”

Let me tell you the pause between words is irritating enough, but to use it two or three times in a row gets me flickered, or too borrow another stupid phrase, “Pisses me off” pardon my crudeness and the very fact that I used it to begin with, but that must make me just as dumb.

Here’s another peeve I have with these same types of women. For some reason they are under some stress or are crying or gasping and they all stick their index finger horizontally under their nose as they carry on.

WHY?

35 years with the Little Woman and I have never seen that happen. The same goes with all my sisters and come to think of it, my sisters in law also. I fear my nieces may be doing it because it is a young persons thing. I have a suggestion.

DON’T DO IT.

Why? Because it isn’t you, that’s why. It is a fake way to express yourself and you look void of any self esteem when you borrow someone else’s phrasing.

I am sorrow, but it just irritates me and I can’t stand it. These are perfectly good people, not doing any harm to me or themselves or the public in general, but for some strange reason it makes me mad. I know darn well that I must do something like that myself, and if I do, please let me know.

I think its’ the heat that got me started on this, I WAS going to write of the GNP for 1977 coupled with inflation, but 100 degrees got in the way.

OH, MY, GOD!” I hope you’re not pissed off at me!!