I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

What did I know? I thought she was just Irish. She is TLW (The Little Woman), and what it costs to woo her.

I’m a practical man, I look for bargains just like you do, I search for the best and most affordable, I try not to waste and I always save. I think that counts for something, especially in this day and age. (Post Michael Jackson, of course)

I was doing a little arithmetic in my head (I can only do little things in my head, in spite of the size of the melon,) and came up with some very disturbing numbers! Mind you I did these calculations on the fly, as I was on my way to taking a nap, and the conclusions are horrific!

I HAVE SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY ON TLW OVER THE YEARS!

There, I said it. Do I feel good about it, no, the revelation is too startling, the conclusion too big to just dismiss!

When I look back at all the presents, dinners, and places I took her, I could have saved the money and just spent it on pizza. Yes, ordinary pizza, and on special occasions, I could have gone for the grandma pie! She’s Irish, and she loves pizza! Her and #2 Son love pizza, but she taught him to.

I spent a fortune on a honeymoon to Europe, when a simple little trip to the pizza parlor (do they still call it that?) would have sufficed. OK, I know what you are thinking: “dumbass-pizza parlor over Europe, I don’t think so, you meathead.” But I would say to you, I would have bought foreign language newspapers every morning and pretended I didn’t understand English, would have pushed the clocks ahead six hours and with the pizza in her mouth, she would have been very happy, on just $.75 a slice in those days!

You might think: “What a cheap bastard!” You might think that, but you would have been wrong. On her birthday, Christmas and anniversaries, I would have sprung for the grandma pie, the WHOLE PIE! Yes, I would even on those occasions, have had it delivered, (probably not, the tip you know). For our 10th, 20th, 30th and 40th anniversary, I would have taken her out to her favorite pizza place, even dressed up!

But why do I come to this concussion-inducing conclusion?

Every Friday night she has to have pizza for dinner. For over 40 years now, its’ been pizza. We started out predictably round cheese pie, and over the years I tried to spice it up with sausage and pepperoni, but we always went back to your basic cheese pie. Then we got more sophisticated and introduce the grandma pie to our routine on Fridays.

Just think how much I could have saved!

I’m getting hungry!