Friday, April 27, 2012

WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?


I opened it up and suddenly, things started to move around! Some things were going up and some down and a few shifted sideways. I thought out loud: “I need a new wallet!” TLW’s (The Little Woman) ears perked up when I said the word wallet, (They always do) and immediately volunteered to get me a new one when she went to the store.

Of course she also volunteered as to how it is possible that MY wallet could get worn out since I don’t use it much. I reminded her I take it out every Sunday morning to pay for her breakfast. There are four occasions when I open the wallet; 1) Her breakfast, 2) when I purchase gas for the car, 3) when I dine out and 4) when I buy her presents, like her birthday, Christmas or our anniversary.








To a woman purchasing her own wallet is a big deal. They have colors, shapes and compartments. The wallets need to carry credit cards and check books and a pen, and a place to store coupons. I know all this because I have watched the process unfold before my very eyes.
 
Men don’t need bells and whistles, just a place to put their cash, license and one credit card, the one they want to use to pay Dr. Kevorkian’s office bill when I feel the time comes. It should be black or brown and fold only once or twice.



The need to volunteer to buy my wallet has me suspicious. Why would she even bother to buy my wallet? It has occurred to me that she has implanted a monitoring device somewhere where I can’t find it. Some kind of chip is implanted and it forwards to her every time I put money in it, or out for that matter and how much is currently in it. I just KNOW there is a place somewhere hidden, put together by women techies that are designed for assisting wives in monitoring services. Don’t ask me where because it is a secret to wives only! I’m sure there are a number of monitoring devices around the house that I haven’t found yet, but I continue to search, with the hope of becoming a national hero to all married men in this country when I discover what these things look like.

If I need to search, I usually wait for TLW to be away, but if it is an emergency, or I am desperate to search, I just hold up a newspaper and say: “Wow, a big sale at Kohl’s today!” She never even checks my sources, just puts on her coat like the house is on fire and shoots out the door! This technique has also freed up many a winter Sunday afternoon to watch football.

Of course once I get the wallet, I need to transfer everything into the new wallet to continue to function. Credit cards I never use, old restaurant recipes from vacations as far back as 2004 that are disappearing, scraps of paper with phone numbers that I don’t know who it belongs to and old business cards that are wearing out and the company is no longer in business are all eliminated from the old wallet and only what I absolutely need will be included in the new cow hide.

“So do you like the wallet I got you?”

“Yes I do, very much, but please tell me where the monitor is?”

“No.”


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