TRYING ON A NEW PROSPECTIVE

33 years ago when my son Joseph passed, people used to say to me that it too, the feeling of his loss would in time pass, or at least fade somewhat. On January 28^th it marked the 32^nd year of that occasion, and I let the day go un-noticed, unspoken of and unobserved.

I would normally write a small tribute to him, but this year I didn’t, and I am glad I didn’t. It is time to move on, to live my life or what is left of it, to keep the pain in my heart and to share it with my immediate family. I guess it is something I should do, however I do feel a sense of denial that he existed when I do that, and that I should mention it. No one wants to ever lose a child no matter how young or how old.

There used to be a time and place, no so very long ago where I shared my days with that little boy, with his mom and siblings, and I remember how happy that first year was in particular, and how everyday became more uncertain as he got sick. I recall the urgency to see him, to care for him and to speak up for him at North Shore University hospital where he died. Everyday like the season became colder and colder, and one never knew when the storm would hit. He did, he knew, he grabbed my tie at the end, in his little way telling me he knew I was there for him.

When he passed I became conscious of the fact that I was now a parent who was being singled out as one of a child who died. I wondered if people were afraid of talking to me, of being afraid that I would mention him and how would the conversation go? I on my part had no fear about talking about him, his life and death, but only on someone else’s conditions. I would never bring it up: I didn’t want anyone uncomfortable in my presence.

Today when the topic comes up, and people learn for the first time that I lost a child, urgency takes over on their part to say how sorry they are. I feel bad about that awkwardness because they feel the need to convey that to me. But you know, in 100 years from now, all that will be forgotten, all that being unknown and just no longer important. I feel they don’t have to express sorry or sadness, it is just a part of life, and we all are conscious of it, let that be enough. Today as I write this, it is January 31^st, the day we buried him, the day family and friends came to lift us up, my family and I, and their presence was all the consolation I needed, it really helped. I saw cranky old men crying publicly and soft old ladies sobbing quietly, all told me how special that kind of presence is to anyone who loses a child.

So to all those parents who are out there, the ones that lost a child, know that we as a family will always welcome you, feel your lose, and can share our hurts, but tomorrow, tomorrow dawns and so goes on all our lives, and we MUST live on.