DEAR GOD,

Our God

Yes, yes, I know it’s been a while.

I know you are: all-knowing and with that in mind I write to you today.

Why do you make people that run in the 98F degree temperatures that along with the humidity make it feel like 103? Are they practicing for their after-life, and should I be running too? I know that if I didn’t have a pool or AC, I might be climbing the spire of the Empire State Building to cool off.

In case it is their God!

While I have your attention, I have another question. You meet someone you know and you say: Heyhowyadoin? They in response say: Goodhowyoudoin? Or, Niceseeinya and of course: Goodseeinyatoo. Why do we do that?? Isn’t it a mindless and lame attempt at formality?

I know these are minor complaints to be bothering you with: but you are the go to God! Another thing, whenever I buy something electronic, and the box is tapped, I get nervous that someone else had the product and returned it because it didn’t work right. They return it to the store and the help, usually around 19 years of age a cell phone in their hands texting their buddies about every step they take, just tapes the box and throws it back on the shelf.

Why is it that I get all kinds of grief from electronic devices with human voices? The self-checkout, the GPS, you name it: I get into an argument with it and start screaming back at it? I had to shut off the voice command for my computer when it wouldn’t listen to me!

NO you old bag!

The other day, I was tooling down the very end of Portion Rd going east. There is a light at one particular intersection that takes forever to change and after you pass, it becomes a merge into one lane. As I see it is green, I think I am lucky, no one is near it, but lo and behold, an old lady doing 20 miles an hour, dumps herself in front of me, and as I have to slow down, the light turns red by the time we get to it, due to her slow driving, but she makes it through! I sit there and all the cars in the world surround me, including this kid with his radio so loud, I can hear it in my car with the windows up and the AC running!

Why oh why, with a critical pitch coming from Matt Harvey of the Mets on the TV, TLW (The Little Woman) decides to tidy up the couch standing casually in front of the TV? Is this in your grand scheme to have me off the streets and institutionalized?

Now I try to be a good son. I call Mom often and once a week I go visit her. The problem is this: She complains she is stuck in the house all day and can’t go anywhere do to her inability to walk.  Then she’ll ask me to visit her more often. So I go off to visit Mom, and she is not home! So I get worried and call my older sister (much older) Tess who calmly tells me she is getting her hair done.

Another complaint of mine is the driving space. I like to think I’m a safe driver. When I stop for a red light, I leave a little space between the car in front of me and myself. When I’m on the highway, doing over 55, I keep at least 5 car lengths behind the car in front of me. It never fails that some moron gets nervous if there is any space between cars and immediately jumps in between to fill the gap. This jackass might be in bed while I am passing his house, he will awaken with a start and cold chills and jump into his SUV to do his duty!

I go to a board meeting and someone makes a point that I wish to respond to, but no, the point maker won’t shut up, causing me to forget what I wanted to say!

So you see, God, there is a lot of uncertainty with these issues, and yes, I could go to church and talk to you, but why risk the damage to the church roof?