PASS THE CAKE I’M GOING ON A DIET!

As the 95-year-old matriarch, Mom has many privileges and one of them is to decide that whatever she thinks is true: right; and accurate, and if you want to argue and you are her son, you better be wearing a helmet on your fat head.

Visiting her one Saturday while TLW (The Little Woman) was on a shopping jaunt with her esteemed girlfriends from the Wanna-Be-Bank & Truss Co., I walk into Mom’s den after being let in by her boy toy where she is sitting on the end of a couch, munching on a cheese Danish. This is how I found her the last time I visited.

“Ma! You still eating that!? Every time I come you are eating a cheese Danish!”

Boy Toy: Oh yeah, she can do that!

I sit next to her and she is sipping a cup of tea to wash down the Danish, savoring every morsel and just enjoying the taste.

What kind do you have there? I inquire. (Mom is down to the last few bites)

These are my favorites: sometimes they even have almonds!

Finishing off the Danish, proudly she says to me: I’m only 119 lbs. I can afford to eat this.

Now Mom is retaining water in her legs and the doctor wants her down to 116 lbs, because of her stature, and the fact that she only has one kidney, he wants her to use a mild diuretic.

Ma, did you see the doctor this week?

Yes

What did he say???

Not much.

Ma, what did he say about your weight?

Ummm, nothing.

Before stuffing the last piece of Danish she waves it in my face and says once again: I can afford to eat this, I’m only 119 lbs! Then she says:

You know, I have breakfast at six o’clock in the morning: this tides me over until lunch.