Thank you Grandma,
For this food,
That you have made soooo good,
Wrung the chicken,
Plucked its feathers,
Lit the fire,
Chopped the wood,
Folded the mixture
Watched it rise,
Baked the bread,
Picked the fruit,
Made 6 pies,
Shucked the corn,
Washed them clean,
Bless this scene.
There once was this man named Fred, a writer and a very good one, who although he was talented, stunk! That’s right, he had the most odious body odor imaginable. His saving grace was his pipe, he smoked it a lot, and in those days it was legal to smoke in the office.
There was something else about him that was amazing; he could do the New York Times crossword puzzle in about 10 minutes. Why? Because he only had to do across, not down because when he finished across, there were no clues to do down.
I once had the unfortunate ‘dis-stink-tion’ of sitting next to Fred at a fancy dinner. It was a large round table dinner holding a priest and about 15 of us. The priest said a prayer before eating this rather large and sumptuous meal. Complete with different wines, and cocktails along with desserts, the white glove service was constant, water glasses filled, napkins folded if one left the table, and to cap it off; cigars and brandy. The agency was celebrating the landing of Lufthansa Airlines as an account, and so the celebration. This was a frequent practice of the owner of the agency, so there were many dinners like this.
Fred had an early warning system built into him, his smell reached you before he even entered the room, and hung around long after he left. He was a good man, a man without hygiene, never said an unkind word, just killed you with his presence.
Sitting through this meal all I wanted to do was gag, and he would lean over to me and whisper a funny line or two into my ear, and I in turn would laugh and gag, stifling both as we went.
After the dinner, I went to hail a cab outside the restaurant to get to Penn Station to catch the train home, the cab pulls up and who is right behind me asking to share the cab but Fred, I could not get away from this man! The stench stayed with me for the whole trip home, lodged in my nose and would not quit! Excuse me a minute…
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DO YOU WATCH THE BIG BANG THEORY?
You should, it helps keep your dinner down!