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Monday, April 20, 2015

PUFF THE MAGIC SMOKER


A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
The driver asked,
 "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding."
The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?"
The man then said, "yes".
"Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.

I was eleven years old and on my way to Hell. I made friends with a fellow who wanted to be a priest or so his family convinced him, and sent to him to a seminary of some kind at the age of 12. I think it was a Catholic boarding school for young boys wishing to be priest, the whole thing is a little fuzzy in my mind.

All, forever lost!
He went away from late August or early September until the first holiday of the fall season: Thanksgiving. We hooked up Thanksgiving Day after I had a rather large helping of Thanksgiving dinner with all the so-called trimmings and so we started to walk and talk and catch up with each other’s lives. I was especially interested in his stay away from home and how he was doing. I figured he had the inside track to heaven and I was impressed.

As he walked and talked, acting cool he came upon the idea of smoking, and said he had taken up the habit in his new school. He told me all the guys were doing it and so he did also. Then he asked me if I was interested in trying it. Me, being a muttonhead said ‘Yes’, after all he was older so he was cool, how could I turn down such an offer?

“Meet me in our old fort in the woods and I’ll be right back.” He said. I set off to the old dug out hole in the ground with some tree logs laying over it we called a fort and he soon returned with two Winston cigarettes. He had slipped them out of his mother’s pack of cigarettes and so we lit up. As he lit my cigarette there was an instant bonding as friends forever, we were doing the forbidden, and I was sure if I got caught my father would be mourning my lose while in jail for my murder, while my mother would be readying her wooden spoon to rest on my head a few times.

“Now when you drag, you gotta inhale!” said my instructor in crime and juvenile delinquency, my hero of sorts and new mentor. I held the cigarette like they did in the movies, just like Dad did and took my first deep drag.

AS it headed down, there was a sudden feeling that something was reaching from deep down in my chest and was pulling my head into my lungs, the feeling was so intense it took my breath away, while my fellow smoker just dragged away. Suddenly the world was spinning, as my eyes could not focus because of the speed of motion I was witnessing, while my stomach now took on the challenge to spin even faster! I couldn’t shame myself and either pass out of toss the dinner, and so I said I had to rush home because I forgot to do something, I’d be right back!

Rushing home I burst into the house and past family and guest and headed to the bathroom, where I just made it, depositing a drumstick, sweet potatoes, corn and God knows what else!

You might say I tossed my cookies!
As I finally got over the attack, I sat for a moment and now faced a dilemma. Do I have more Thanksgiving Day dinner or do I go back out to throw up again. Dinner or cigarette, this debates in my young inexperienced mind for a few minutes, and decided: I would go out again; I needed to save face.  I’m pretty sure I made a deal that day with God, promising him everything, how I would behave for now on, not keeping the money my father gave me for the collection plate on Sunday and even obeying my parents, if there were no cigarettes when I reached the fort and my friend. Teasing my sisters was off the table, after all, I did need entertainment and Dad hogged the TV. When I got to the fort, my good pal was already gone. I wonder if he was upchucking like I did?



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