NOT LIKE MYSELF

-->

Since I had the carotid artery operation in January, two full months ago, I haven’t felt the same. It seems my body has found new areas to trouble me with as I go through the day, with spells of panic and a sense of an explosive sensation that rushes to my head.

At night, around 12:00 or so, a pain starts to appear behind my left shoulder and moves down to my left arm. I get a sense of jaw discomfort and the arm feels like the blood flow was cut off! I described these symptoms to my GP and he says it is arthritis, I spoke about it to my cardiologists and he says he doesn’t deal with that, that something else besides the heart is the problem. This is starting to anger me. I have become lethargic and almost depressed from it all.

My hope is that everything is temporary, that the advent of Spring will lift me out of the doldrums of Winter and a lighter attitude will take over.

I made a promise to the readers of this blog long ago that if I was dying, I would write about it, why? Because I feel that if I reveal my life here, and tell about its beginnings, then I am obligated to tell about the demise, too. Death is only a chapter of life itself. It is a final chapter, but none the less a real chapter, part of my experiences.

Funny how when I was young, I thought of things like career, family and current events as I looked forward to the next chapters in my life. Now That I am retired, and living the final chapter, I feel the need to report that too.

I’m not afraid to die, I know that death itself is painless, you are free from all earthly obligations and freed up from pain both physical and emotional, including the pain of dying. Is that not what we all want, that freedom?

When that day does come, and I am sure it will, someone in this world might mourn and someone will be happy about it, but no one will be as relieved! I am not being morbid, that would mean I dwell, I still laugh, sing to myself, have outlandish thoughts and still love, they take priority.