IT’S A MATTER OF ‘TUDE’

As I write this I am flying over Southern Minnesota at about 30,000 feet. This is rare for me since I never wanted to go to Minnesota, so it is good we are just flying over it. It is a very nice JetBlue flight with a lot of empty seats.

Whenever I fly, I seem to find things that tick me off. Little stupid things that my poor wife has to guard against, telling me that I need to relax.

For instance, walking the gangplank to board the plane, the area before you step up into the long tubular craft is usually crowded with people who are not paying due attention to where the hell they are going. Why? Because they’re so important that they have to have their noses in their cell phones, so they are not paying attention to where they are. Looking at emails is so important as is looking at ‘selfies’ I guess that they can risk life and limb by doing so.

When you reach that area there is a side door where some of the crew steps in and out of, I am tempted to open that door and confuse them enough that they will go out of it!

Then there is the moron who in a crowded waiting area where there are few, if any seats, put their luggage on an empty seat, stick their legs out so you can trip over them and pretend they don’t notice you looking for a seat.

Annoyance number, three: sitting at the small bars where they have recharging stations for your phones. Some of them sit there without charging anything but their fat ass. I’m getting bitter and graphic, so I’m really warming up.

Entering and looking for your seat is just as bad as getting off the plane, once again the crowd of humanity is infuriating. People standing in the aisle while they stick their luggage in the overhead bins backing everyone up and so they turn to their cell phones. Getting off they are not at fault since it is poorly configured for doing such a thing. People are crowded in the aisle with the ambition of getting off the plane first, can’t move as fast as they would like and then just wind up standing in the aisle while some little old lady pulls her two-ton luggage off the overhead bin and people cover their heads, hoping to avoid a concussion.

My favorite place in the whole world once I land? That wonderful sounding thing they call the luggage carousel, where with great anticipation, you hope your luggage accompanied you to your destination. You search and think: ‘Was, that it? No, Did I miss it? Is it in Chicago or the Cayman Islands? Maybe in Beijing?

Then miracle of miracles, there it is, as it rolls down the conveyor belt, slams into someone else’s bag and begins the adventure of it mockingly saying: “Get me if you can, stupid!” You rush the edge then grab on, risking going through the conveyor length as the weight of it and your awkward grip on the bag take over. You manage to pull it off, stand with your chin up and a grin on your face that says: YES! I GOT MINE!!! See ya suckers!

If you ever land in Burbank, California on JetBlue, after a 30,000-foot altitude and a lowly attitude, the two 'tudes' will qualify you to walk a long distance from the gate to the baggage claim carousel than New York to Burbank, it’s that long!

If by chance you need a rental car in Burbank, prepare to walk the rest of the day. The car rental area, newly designed with moving walkways, elevators, and long ramps will add miles to your travels, and you will then after landing and combining the mileage have walked to California and back!