As I sit here in her ICU room, she looks about and then stares blankly into space, not noticing her surroundings or me just the pain that is starting to build once again. It is like traveling down a dark alley in a bad neighborhood at night where you were jumped once before, the dread of each step intensifies beyond your willingness to endure it.
I can only watch the agony she is suffering wanting to
assure her that help is on the way, yet the only help is the unseen element of
time, an element that should heal.
Going to her bedside, I lean in to whisper to her that I
will find help, as she looks down and away seemingly accusing me of betraying
her in her most time of need. Little does she know of the countless hours her mom
and I have spent in hospital rooms on her behalf in support.
I rush out to the nurse station and inform them that she is
crying, they all overhear me and react with sadness and cries of non-words in
sympathy for her. They the nurses have grown to love Ellen, they are working
very hard on her behalf and it assures me that Ellen is going to win this
battle no matter what with their aid.
Suddenly her nurse rushes up to the entry of her room to
assure me she hasn’t forgotten Ellen and shows me a needle she will use to
inject morphine into a port attached to Ellen’s body.
But the agony of the pain Ellen is experiencing is ruling
the day, her body, and spirit, it is causing me to agonize in empathy and cause
me great anguish, wishing the pain was mine and not hers. But God has chosen
the actors and the audience, the script is pre-ordained and the outcome is His
secret.
What is comforting is the knowledge that she IS getting
better in spite of her outcries, pain, sadness, and despair.
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