FOR BETTER OR WORSE, THIS IS IT

As I sit here in my daughter Ellen’s nursing home room I seem to have settled into a routine. It’s not one I would recommend but one that does suit me. In a half-day I can do a crossword puzzle, a Sudoku puzzle, read the newspaper and write jokes and blogs and interface with Facebook. It is forced time in a way for me to adjust to a lifestyle that is lonely and sad sometimes.

Every day I enter her room I hold my breath for fear of what I will see, of wondering what kind of day is in store for my poor child. Most of the World will be out today, it is a fine sunny Saturday filled with great possibilities and they will have little to worry about or care for. As for me, shackled to this uncertainty for my daughter, I spend it in an air-conditioned room that is too cold, and the endless ticking of the wall clock that tells me time is running out in life.

Today I made good friends with the laundry lady who brought Ellen’s clothes and hung them up in her closet. I decided to make friends and greeted her with more than a casual, uninterested “Good morning!” but instead said it as I meant it. Thank goodness for the weather and today it seems extra fine as I referenced the beautiful morning. A lovely woman with a Spanish accent, she paused and her eyes lit up, someone was talking to her, freeing her from her routine of dull work. Before long we were into her life, her children and even her history, how she lived in California, Arizona, then moving to New York. We shared notes about our children and grandchildren and when she left the room seemed brighter, I hope her day was, too.

I don’t know how long this lifestyle I find myself in will last. Will it be a lifetime or just a fleeting moment? I do know that I will spend it more like I mean to live it to the fullest, smile or at least try to and make my daughter happy while reassuring her that she is not alone, nor should she be afraid.