MY LIFE ON THE 495 (*$&^@#*!@#*?&$%#$)

Driving to work every day and then doing the driving home again is a daily routine for most people. My routines are never routine. There is too much to improvise. For instance, the traffic is doing over 60 mph in the middle lane on the 495, and you want to switch lanes. You just know that no one is going to give you a break, so how do you get over? If you are going into the left lane, look into your right side mirror, making a lot of body movement so that bum in the left lane thinks you are going right, he relaxes his death grip on the space you are looking for, and then you slip in. This KILLS him. He will get so mad that he will race up to you and tail- gate, thinking this will fix me.

Another gem is when you get scooter who cuts in front of you, while everyone ahead of you is doing 70 mph, and he decides to do 55mph. I usually wave to him once I pass him, but not with all 5 fingers though.

Of course, no day on the highway is complete without getting behind two women, talking, and observing the speed limit, leaving you and them further and further behind the traffic, as she gestures with her hand in her conversation, oblivious to my need to get to where I want to get to this year.

Then there is my favorite, the little girl in her first sports car. Usually red, she races along, zipping in and out, holding a cigarette, doing her makeup, trying to look cool, the music loud enough for me to hear, all while she talks on her cell phone, going under a sign that says “observe cell phone laws.”

Always a curiosity is when traffic is moving along, a cop has a driver he is giving a ticket to, and everyone jams on their brakes. PEOPLE, THE DOPEY COP CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU BECAUSE HE IS STICKING HIS HEAD INTO THE CAR WINDOW OF A SPEEDER!!!

Finally this morning, on the 495, some jerk in his SUV gets behind me, we are doing 80 mph, gives me his blinkers! What more could he want?? I choose to ignore people who give me their blinkers, unless they are cute. He wasn’t. He decides to go into the next lane, where he goes into his routine again. OK. 10 minutes later, he’s behind me again! Pretty good progress, no?