YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!

But probably not.

I should NEVER be left alone!

Years ago, when I worked for a major sweepstakes company, all our outer envelopes had the hopeful statement: “YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER” and I would think: probably not!

But people entered the sweepstakes because they were free and even so, people thought that if you bought something, your chances of winning were better. This of course is not so, since we used the mail, we had to be very truthful.

Sometimes in the mailing there was a thing called: “FREE GIFT!” Did anyone ever pay for a gift? No, of course not, but combine the words ‘FREE’ and ‘GIFT’ and you got a response.

The world has changed since those days, and now I get telephone calls, all border on the deceiving and all offer nothing but some hidden gimmick to get money and information from me. For instance:

Phone rings…

Me: Hello

Punjab: Hallo, is dis Geoseff?

Me: Yup.

Punjab: Hallo, Geoseff, how are you today?

Me: Glad you asked! I’ve got this trick knee that keeps popping out of the joint, my cholesterol is sky high as is my blood pressure.

Punjab: (A long pause) OH! I’m sorry to hear dat Geoseff, but I’m not a medical person.

Me: Then why did you ask?

Punjab: OK, I was just being polite. Would you like a Free Offer?!

Me: No.

Punjab: You mean you don’t want a free offer?

Me: Nope!

Punjab: But why? It’s free.

Me: There NEVER was a Free Offer, only a fishing exposition to get my money and information, something you want me to offer free.

Punjab: OK, have a nice day.

I used to hate these calls, then one day I got so many I decided to just make their lives miserable too.

If I want, I sometimes use the above technique with an alternate ending, telling them I will get Geoseff, I put down the phone and as they wait for ‘Geoseff’, I wait until they hang up out of frustration!