AGING

I was on Facebook the other day and they posted a web page that compared famous beauties from the 1970's and how they look then and now.

Many of these women looked beautiful, maybe as good looking as they did back in the 1970's, and some of course looked like they were competing in the Ms. Sun-dried tomato pageant.

Diane Keaton

Paula Prentise

Funny how no one gives a damned about what men look like as they age, I never see comparisons. But women, with the extent and investment of the cosmetic industry, have put themselves through these comparisons, as unfair as they are.

Have you ever gone to a wake (never any results) and look at the body while walking away thinking: He/she "looks pretty good!" "Death agrees with him/her!" "I wonder who did her hair?" Of course, we know the person is dead, don't we?

There was one comparison of Olivia Newton-John where her latest photo made her look like Olivier Newton Jack. But why put these comparisons together in the first place? What does it prove anyway? We get older, we naturally gain weight and our faces seem kinder, or we get older, fight it and we have enough wrinkles to enter a Grand Canyon pageant. Being skinny in your old age is healthier, it just makes you look like you have one foot in the coffin.

I have plans for myself, I want to be buried in an upright position, the coffin to go feet first and painted on the box: THIS END UP!

My funeral should take the word FUN in Funeral and use it. For instance: Instead of rows of chairs, one after the other, how about ‘Wake in the Round'? The chairs, are arranged in a circular layout around the coffin? And the coffin, that sits on a pedestal as it rotates around, giving everyone a view. I would like a bag of free popcorn given to each attendee, and as I lay there, my mouth opened, you can try to toss the popcorn into it.

When they come up to the coffin and kneel, I should pop up, and when they stand again, I fall back to my rest-in-peace position. I would like a business card planted in my suit hanky pocket that says: "I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!"