MY TAXES AT SLEEP

TLW (The Little Woman) left this morning for work, and as she did, instructed me to call about a tax rebate that NY State offers for middle-income property owners. She gave me a phone number to call, and my tax returns for what reason is still unclear. I only made one mistake. I called.

I got the usual response to the number dialed, and it was a menu of options, for Spanish and any other first languages there are in this country. English, was also offered, and I thought I’d take a shot at that to see what happens.

I was told in electronic voice that all the lines were busy. My call was important to them, and that it would be a three or four month wait, since all the operators were busy. So I put it on the speaker and went to the city, shaved, ate breakfast and joined the local old age home to speed up the application process since once I get through with the call, I could just check in.

Finally a human voice! “Hello, my name is Joe Del Bloggolo, and I’m calling about the star rebate program.” A long pause, then a “Hello?” I state my case again and spell out the name for the lady from NYS. “HEMMM can’t find your name. What did you say your name is?” “Do you have a zip code?” Thinking: “No you moron, I just happen to be very popular, and everyone knows where I live.” But being a gentleman that I am, I gave her my zip code. “Sorry, you’ll have to call the tax assessor’s office and ask for a Swiss number, map number, and their mother’s maiden names.

I call the Assessor’s office and get Ms ASSessor herself. “Hello, my name is Joe Del Bloggolo, and I need a Swiss number, and a map number for the Star Program.” “Do you have a personal ID number?” “Huh, what’s dat?” “You know, it’s the number that is very long, that has dots and dashes with anything else we can throw in to confuse the taxpayer.” “Where do I find it?” “Why on your tax assessor bill.” Of course. And to think, I don’t know the number. “Oh wait, do you have a zip code?” See above. “OK, here is a number you can use. 0100 0.70 .950 .00. I have a few dots left over, would you like them in your number?” I thank her for the info and call back the state. I got the usual response to the number dialed, and it was a menu of options, for Spanish and any other first languages there are in this country. English, was also offered, and I thought I’d take a shot at that to see what happens.

After I put it on the speaker and went to the city, shaved, ate lunch I read War and Peace in its entirety, when someone got back to me. “Sorry, I can’t help you, let me put you on hold and get someone else who can help.” NO, NO I BEG YOU DON”T DO THAT! After I put it on the speaker and went to the Library of Congress to check out a book on killing state workers, a gentleman gets on the phone and asks, “Can I help you?” “Yes, my name is…” Well, you know the rest of the story.