SELF DISCLOSURE

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Sometimes I wonder who the thief is, is it time or indifference. I look at old pictures of my kids and all I see is the great feelings of being a dad, not once but four times. And yet there are things that defy explanation.

I have always loved my wife and kids, they are my world and the reason why I still exist, yet somehow I have been robbed of some of the beauty.

Having a child with developmental disabilities, has me focused on how to cope, how to help and how to help others with these issues, and has robbed me of some very human and emotional insights about my daughter. I never realized just how beautiful she looks. Not that looks mean anything to me, but it is nice to know she is beautiful.

Funny thing is I never really noticed my wife’s outward beauty, yet she is still a beautiful woman, but I always loved her because I could see her soul before I saw her looks. I felt in love with someone who made me feel like I was important, and that I was at home with her, the ease made anything we faced that was horrendous seem bearable because she was there. Knowing someone who is not capable of hate, yet knows enough to stay away from hateful people is one of her qualities. She doesn’t get in the gutter with gutter-snipe, doesn’t make judgments without foundation and never judges people without knowing them well enough to not condemn them but to understand them. That is part of her upbringing, and I am proud that that is the woman I married.

In all the years of being a father to a child with developmental disabilities, I never stopped to see her outer beauty, just her inner beauty. I see a child (she’s 44 now) with issues that rob her of her right to a normal life; like yours or mine. Yet recently I’ve been seeing and hearing people say how beautiful she is, how pretty she really is, and I think damn, why didn’t I see that? I didn’t because I to worry about her health, her well-being and her future. So I missed something important. Just like my wife, I missed the outer looks when in fact I concentrated on the inner beauty. Both ladies have helped me realize that the world does not revolve around the outer looks but what is important is the inner beauty and strength. Whenever I am with any of my children, I am home, and like their mother home is where they all are. On a plane, in a car, on a ship or bus, as long as one of them is with me, I am home.