GETTING OLD OR OLDER!

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We all know the facts, simply stated, we will get older. The important thing is that we do it right. Right?

Let’s face it, if we were asked to leave say, a restaurant, we would want to maintain as much personal dignity as possible, so when we get the boot or escorted by the bouncer, we look good doing it.

But being older is not all bad, here are some interesting quirks you get.

• Eyes won’t get much worst

That’s right, you now can perfect your squint!

• No one will kidnap you

Who wants you? You would only slow them down, make them repeat themselves louder, and stop at the minimum 3 toilets every hour.

• You get released first in a hostage situation

Just the time you take, clearing your throat, blowing your noses and passing air would disrupt the crisis situation, giving your host a deep need to throw you out the door!

• Your hypochondria is acceptable behavior

People will now respect the fact that you own all those medication bottles.

• You can eat dinner at 3:00 PM

Not only can you have the ‘Early Bird Special’, you can call him down from his tree.

• You can go to bed at 4:00 PM

Damn Daylight Savings Time, a yawn is a yawn, and you need the sleep before you do die.

• People who call at 7:00 PM asking if they awakened you

It is annoying, waking you up from your favorite TV show, so just for spite, you tell them: ‘No!’

• You check with your arthritis when you want to know if you need an umbrella

It’s reliable and more accurate that the National Weather Service.

• You can live without sex, but not your afternoon nap, or glasses

You need your glasses so it looks like you are doing something important between naps

• Your investment in health insurance is really paying off now.

Reference all your medicine bottles, your days out on ‘Road Trips’ to the doctor’s office.

• Your conversations shift from school taxes to operations

Exaggerations getting sympathy, sympathy begets envy, and when you piss off everyone with your stories, next time they will not interrupt your nap.

• You sing along (out loud) with the elevator music

This leaves for embarrassing moments, causing people to leave on a lower floor, leaving you to finish the song with a flair AND fart in peace.

• Your secrets are safe with friends because they can’t remember them either.

What?

• There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

You’ve learned it all and screwed it all up already, now you just look back and enjoy the memories.

• You can’t remember why you came into the room where you are reading this.

This is just a pre-cursor to nap time, no point worrying about what you can’t remember.

And so with driving at your own pace, leaving your left-hand turn signal on, leaving your basket in the middle of the aisle so no one can get by, and the soon to be secret writing we will communicate in because no one is teaching cursive anymore to the young ‘uns, we have our benefits to getting old.