CHANGING COURSE

It is funny how life can change course on one. Going from the child to the parent or guardian! Going everyday to the nursing home where mom temporarily resides, new revelations become apparent at every visit.

My sisters and I worry about her, and my older sister (much older) Tessie and I visit her everyday, doing what we can, either advocating with the staff and correcting something, or just getting her a cup of water, we do our duty. It requires a few hours at least every time.

It is kind of hard for me to leave her there everyday in the nursing facility. I hope it is temporary, but I’m not fooling myself into thinking it really is. In the back of my mind sits another scenario that is not agreeable. Coupled with the fact that she is fiercely independent, and that she is telling us without any dressing that she wants to go home. You see, her mind is sharp, she has a great memory and can reall things that happened 60 years ago in the minutest details.

At 94, you don’t want to upset the lady, nor put any unnecessary duress on her. Yet for a whole week since she fell, causing her to be where she is, she has worn a rather long face, one that feeds the guilt that both Tess and me harbor. The doctor, her GP was the one who made her go to the nursing home before my sister and I spent a whole day finding the best suitable place for her to recover.

Mom, me and Tessie and Mom's Aunt Jenny

 To me, it seems unfair that people that have lived so long, surviving cancer, a poor childhood, being placed in a boarding school because her mother was too ill to care for her and her two sisters, the Great Depression, World War II and her having a rotten son, that they should have any issues in their old age other than whether or not to wear a sweater for the day.

My sisters and I are lucky to have mom so long, she is a fixture in our minds, someone we looked up to and yet we are treating her like a child by protecting her from some of the daily events of her life while she stays in the nursing home.

I decided to take her for a stroll in a wheel chair and explore the facility a little, hoping to lift her spirits in a round about way. I felt that if she sees the people that are permanently residing in the facility. How sick or incapable of caring for themselves, she might feel better about her own situations.

“Theresa, Joseph, I want to go home, be in my own house when this is over!” This admonition came from out of the blue, as she sat in her wheel chair in her room. “I don’t want to go to an assisted living place, I want my own home.” This declaration meant she was doing a little too much thinking, and she was very angry and depressed. We assured her that that would not be the case if we could help it. I spoke up:

“Ma, remember how the nurse came and gave you that little pill to ease your back pain?” Looking at me she seemed to say: “Yeah, what’s your point dummy?”

“Well Ma, you should look at this place as a big pill, one that if you cooperate and get better, will help you get home! You should embrace the fact that you have this place to help you. When you fell, you were not in condition to stay at home alone! If I were you I’d be thankful I have it. The staff is nice, we come everyday and worry about you, embrace all you do have, not what you don’t!”

The words were echoing in my ears: as the room seemed so silent, as even I listened to what I said after I said them. Suddenly I felt this sudden feeling in my chest, I spoken to my mother like a parent, I was overstepping my bounds! Feeling self-conscious I wanted to hide my face and be ashamed, but another part of me was saying: “Where the hell did you get that?”

My sister and I then began a joint lecture, and it seemed to get through to mom, as she looked somewhat sheepish and apologized. That made it worst, she should have just said: “OK” and I would have moved on. Instead I saw the face that raised me, taught me to help others and to do the very thing I just told her to do, and suddenly I felt very alone and old. Life was doing a complete change of course!