I went to visit my mother the other day, and came home very
angry. I was angry because I felt that she wasn’t listening to me. I had
discussed something with her and it seems like she didn’t hear it! It made me
feel like I was wasting my time and that I have to now take over and do
everything myself.
The more I thought about things, the angrier I became, to
the point that I wanted to shout.
Then something started to happen, I calmed down and reason
took over. I discovered I was the one that isn’t listening; I was the one that isn’t
getting it!
Mom is 94; she is almost deaf and almost blind. She can
hardly move and relies on all of us to do for her. She hates it and she resents
our having to do it for her. She so desperately wants to be independent, to be
her own person, to do for herself again. Her whole world is coming down around
her, piece by piece, block by block, those she cared for by herself now need to
care for her, and she feels like a child with her own children! She wants to
cry. Little does she know I want to cry for her! I realize now that she is not
Mom anymore, but my mother, the old lady who is growing older.
How the hell can I expect her to deal with her getting
older, having her son take over her everyday business and finding it more
difficult to live her life anymore? A how inconsiderate I am how foolish I must
look, but I won’t dare look into the mirror. I hope God can forgive me this
impatience and selfishness, and maybe I can get over myself and do what I need
to do for her, with her dignity in place.
But like I said: she is the one telling me she is getting
older, she is frightened, she is losing a battle she set out to fight when like
all of us, she was born. And now in her closing days, her body betraying her, a
certain sadness overtaking her, she needs us whether she likes it or not, we can’t
abandon her with emotion and or guilt, but must take the same tender care she
took when we were born. I guess the frustration of watching her grow even older
is getting to me.
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