THE DOCTOR IS IN, 5 CENTS PLEASE!

I sat on the examining table and the good doctor, Dr. Strangeglove entered.

“And how are you today?” he asked.

By now you know how I feel about doctors asking me that question: I mean, why bother? I’ll tell him anyway.

“Well doctor, I was supposed to come next week for my quarterly checkup, when all of a sudden I needed to push up the date by a week.”

“You doing pushups?”

“Oh, sure, anyway, I woke up this past Wednesday and felt this dull pain in my lower back over my right kidney.”  I then went on into the details I gave you all yesterday. I hope you remember them, if not, go to yesterday’s blogue and I’ll wait here for you.

Ah! You’re back!

The good doctor, Dr. Strangeglove then asked me to get off the table and touch the floor. Being an old Catholic, I started to bend my knees.

“No, no, keep you knees stiff and TRY to touch the floor without bending them” says the good doctor, Dr. Strangeglove. Amazingly I do, congratulating myself and wondering if there is any other feat that will make him think I’m in great shape? I thought of standing on my head but realized that I can’t, and never could, besides if I could that could lead to more requests.

“OK, now twist once to the left than once to the right.” I do and he asks:

“No pain or discomfort?”

“No, I feel fine.”

“You passed two kidney stones, why you didn’t scream in pain is amazing but good. BUT… let’s go get some x-rays of your belly. (That’s doctor talk for stomach. I paid attention when I watched Ben Casey as a kid on TV.)

I go into the x-ray room and a nurse or aid tells me to lay on the table and unbuckle my pants and slip them down a bit. This is awkward since we haven’t been introduced yet nor had we had dinner yet! But being a man listening to women all my life, had she told me to stand on one foot and pat my head I would have.

“We are supposed to x-ray your chest.”

“Huh?” It pays to have a college education! “No, the doctor said belly!” (That’s doctor talk for stomach. I paid attention when I watched Dr. Kildare as a kid on TV too!)

“No I think he said chest!”

“No, belly.”

She fiddles with the  x-ray machine while I burn, then drops everything and runs out of the room, comes back and adjusts the target to my stomach. Then the famous last words I dread the most:

“The doctor will be in shortly.”

With my pants dropped down on an x-ray table waiting for the good doctor: Dr. Strangeglove to show up! (You really can’t make this up!)

Finally after at least 10 minutes he finally enters and takes the x-ray.

We head off to his office and the assistant tells him the x-ray is ready. On his computer he calls it up, and there I am on his computer, from the hips to above the knees, looking like I need a meal. He actually called up the x-ray to his computer!

“I don’t see any stones, BUT… I’m sending you for a renal ultrasound. Sometimes the x-rays don’t show all the stones and we want you to not have anymore attacks, so come back next week and we will worry you even more!”

I go home and call for an appointment. The lady on the other end, a nice sort with a heavy Spanish accent asks what I want.

“I need a ultrasound of my kidney.”

“What kind of ultrasound does the prescription say?”

“A renal ultrasound” I reply.

“Ah! For the kidney!”

“Oh! I didn’t know that!”