CHECK OUT TIME???

It seems the closer I get to the operation that is required for my carotid artery, the worst I feel. My surgeon assured me that I was not in immediate danger or a “walking time bomb” as he put it, yet more and more each day I feel something. I have ‘symptoms’ that I am not sure are related or not. On January 12, I go to Good Samaritan Hospital in Bay Shore for the procedure, yet I wonder if I’ll last that long.

It seems that in the middle of the night is when these symptoms appear, starting with a sense of cut off circulation in my left arm followed by a low throbbing pain, then extending to my face and behind my neck. I have a number of theories about what it is and they range from the psycho-somatic to arthritis and the combination of it with the workout I do in the gym. The biggest worry is of course that the artery is clogging quickly and will cut off causing a fatal stroke. That would do it.

The other night I almost took myself to the emergency room at a local hospital, and yet I wonder with all the test I have taken lately in the last six months could it be anything else?

These kinds of things can kill you on the fly, one moment you feel fine the next you are gone. Fortunately, there is no one I need to get in touch with, my wife and kids know my situation and will be ready for it. I’m not afraid of death or even suffering because I had my time already. 71 years is a long time to live, maybe not the life expectancy one would count on today, but it is enough. Living with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and diabetes, not being able to hear all that well and the pain that seems constant in my foot from an accident I sustained years ago all contribute to my belief that maybe it is time. To add to my list is an aneurysm in my stomach and a suspect kidney, that is being monitored, all for my living pleasure! If this is life: who needs it? I will be sad to leave my family and especially the little one who I adore beyond reason, yet the feeling that I am put up with will be over finally.

And so, without drama I think it prudent to say goodbye, maybe not but why take a chance? If you are happy about this, congratulations and I own no ill will toward you. If you are sad, don’t be, I had an amazing run, I defied odds with a hearing loss that is impossible to live with, I married a great woman and have wonderful children and a most precious and beautiful grandchild. My career was fun, not hard, and I did become president of the Board of Directors, not once but twice, helping people with disabilities. How wonderful is that last item?

I hope the odds are on my side, if not, I go in peace and wish it to you too.