IT'S NOT MY FAULT I'M A GROUCH!

Well, maybe a little.

It seems that all day long my phone rings. There are calls from charities, they think I survive to support all charities and sometimes I need to draw a line and say ‘NO!' I am not mean, just tired of all the calls. I don't get into conversations with them, I just hang up.

Then there is the silent call, where you answer the phone and say: "Hello" and no one answers right away, it takes usually a few times before the knucklehead responds. I like to engage them a little, make them say something, ask a question and then hang up. Something very satisfying about that!

I used to get a call every day: "We have tried to reach you, this is our second and final call about your credit card payments." Sure, call back tomorrow, the second time.

On Election Day I was getting calls one every hour. A recorded voice starts in: "Hello, this is Congressman P. Tuey" I hang up after an expletive deleted or two.

The local handyman, be it a plumber, carpenter or electrician will call on a slow day looking for something to do for me. "We're in the neighborhood today and …" CLICK!

My very favorite call comes from someone with an Indian or Pakistani accent. His mission is to get inside my computer and steal as much as possible from me. It goes something like this:

"Allow, is dis JOOssef?"

"Yup!"

"JOOssef, I am caaallling hew from Windows Control Center caaallling about your compuuter, JOOssef! Weee have found a virus in your computer!"

"Oh, my God! In MY computer!!!???" (I own Macs only)

"Yes, JOOssef, you need to remooove it immediately. Go to the control key and…"

And I lead him on for about 5 minutes, then when he asks me what I see on my screen, I reply"

"I see my computer being shoved up you lying @$$, you thieving scumbag! Tell your mother to stay out of trees with monkeys, then you won't have any siblings looking like you!"

Many years ago I was getting calls at 2:00 PM every business day afternoon, while I was working at home. It was the New York Times and as many times they called, I would tell them I wasn't interested. Finally, out of desperation they called and stopped when I told them I had brain cancer and was fading fast. I worked!