SPENDING THE BEST TIME EVER

Recently, my wife Ellen and I headed out to California to celebrate my granddaughter's birthday, an annual event that was recent #4 for her. Her Daddy, $1 Son, celebrated his the day before, but he is a big boy so, we celebrated him too.

The hardest part on the trip out west is the flight time, it is six long hours on a long tube that is filled with germs of all kinds and usually I catch them. Not unlike our last trip out there I indeed caught something.

The flight itself makes me nuts as if I sit too long my feet and legs result in restless foot syndrome or restless leg syndrome, being packed in a small confined space that I pay a lot of money for.

With all the complaints I have, the best was the landing. When you arrive at Burbank International Airport or Bob Hope Airport, you walk about three weeks to the luggage carrousel to watch all of the luggage on the plane go by you until the last piece comes out and it is yours. This is an exaggeration only in terms of time, not walking.

Once you have claimed your luggage whether it is yours or not, you begin the odyssey to the car rental. This journey requires you pack a lunch and some water, as it too is an investment in a long, long walk to get your rental car. Being how I am cheap, we decided to go to Dollar Rental. It isn't really cheaper than the rest but you feel good knowing you are not paying for the big names.

You begin your journey by walking across a busy traffic area, were a policeman and lights make you stop just as things turn red and the flatfoot hollers: "STOP!"

You begin the long wait until the next day when the light turns and the copper is tired of holding his arm up. Then, with the majority of the population of both LA and Burbank, dragging a very heavy suitcase of presents for La Principessa, you cross to get to the other side of the street. Now you must walk over brick sidewalks that are narrow and lead you to an escalator about a mile and a half away, the wheels of your luggage rattling over the bricks making for a noisy walk. Then the real work begins, taking either an escalator or elevator to the second story walkway to the car rental area, where such luminary car rentals such as Avis, Hertz, and Economy reside, ready to make you fill out the long form of your Income Tax with a schedule A, B, and C. To get to the rental area, you must take about 4 moving walkways, where we stand and watch the young people pass us by while walking. I hate these people.

As we glide along past the different car renters we look for Dollar and finally as we reach the edge of the building, there it is, DOLLAR CAR RENTAL, with a little sign that says: "Dollar Car Rental is located downstairs." Bastards!

I drag my ass all the way up and across this stupid system they own in Burbank, only to find out that it was right there when I got on the escalator!

Pray for me, my language has gotten terrible.