If you stare into space long enough as I do, it all comes back to you. From those first horrid moments to this moment, you relive what you don’t want to relive. It is like a prison cell, you wake up each morning and see the grey bars that surround you and you get your hand gripped by the sad reality of life and death.
Sometimes I get angry, I will punch the side of my chair and swear, I see my beautiful daughter-in-law’s face in a picture or video, or even in my mind and I lose it, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes driving. The lose never let us go, you are enslaved by the tears and bounded by it sickened by the thought that it comes back again tomorrow.
Perhaps the hardest thing to deal with is the distance that Anthony and kids have between my wife and I. Two thousand miles is agonizing enough to travel let alone the wall that keeps us apart. When my dad and then my mom passed, before they did, I had time to prepare. I was able to let go and although it was so painful, I had closure. I did all I could for both of them every day at their end of life. I was at peace with it. I think of her parents, their only child and my heart break all over again. They had no time to say goodbye, they had their lives in a way severed and that was unfair, it sucks actually. I wonder how hard it was for them to go home after it was all over severing in a way the last Earthly ties to their daughter Courtney?
Somehow we will all make peace with this. Time will soften the blow and we will put one foot in front of the other, once again. That is the way it always is, after each devastating blow I learn that I am needed once again, I don’t have time to wail or sob, someone needs me, someone else is hurting too, I have to go on. My daughter’s disability, my son’s death, the loss of Courtney, all need footsteps I can hear and feel, they have to be my own.
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