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Saturday, March 28, 2015

I DIDN’T NOTICE!


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong!.

There are two things among many that a married man never wants to hear. One is: Do you know what today is? And two; do you notice anything different about me?” These two questions are guaranteed to send a man’s spirits spiraling down quicker than J. P. Morgan’s spirits during the great 1929 crash of the stock market.

As you sit there naked as a jaybird, perched on the tree limb, you inch further out on that limb and try to answer the question. An authority figure would if present to witness your response immediately remove your shoelaces and belt. You stare first in frozen fear and then slowly try to figure out what is different.

Last Friday went like this, while the snow was falling and there was no real way to escape.

Her: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
Me: “You’re talking less?”
Her: “HAHA nooo!”
Me: “You got shorter?”
Her: “No, Pat at the Wanna-Be-Bank & Truss Company said you would notice.”

This of course puts more pressure to bear on as now I had to uphold my reputation it seemed, one that she felt I deserved.

I scanned some more, her shoes matched, her lipstick color on her top lip was the same as the color on her bottom lip, so that couldn’t be it.

Me: “You have more hi-lites in your hair?”
Her: “Noooo”

I was ready to prostrate myself and plead forgiveness or worse, open up my wallet and say: “Here, take what you want but don’t yell at me!”

It had to be something so subtle that she would hardly notice it herself, and it was!

Her: “Today, while in the ladies room I pushed my hair behind my ears. Matilda stopped me on my way out and said: “I love what you did to your hair TLW!” Then Pat caught up with me and said: “I LOVE IT!” “I decided to tell Pat that I didn’t like it this way, it seemed kind of messy and uncombed. Pat said: No, I LOVE IT, I bet Jow will notice it!”

Me: “WOW! HOW THE HELL COULD I POSSIBLY NOTICE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

She immediately put her hair back the old way and suddenly she didn’t look as bright and cheerful!

Me: “Oh yeah, now I see it!

 



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