WHY ME GOD?

There is a movie called “THE WEDDING DATE” starring Debra Messing that I happened to catch part of. There is this scene where a fellow is washing his boat and has a bucket of water that he tosses against the side of the boat, and it splashes back into his face. Every time I see that scene, I laugh because it reminds me of myself. Getting splashed is exactly what would happen to me, even if I knew it was coming.

I have been prone to accidents since I was born, running around the house with a glass baby bottle in my mouth, falling and having the glass slivers cut into my tongue. Fortunately not all my accidents have been that bad, but usually something happens to me. I wash dishes, pour something into the sink, and hit the edge, the liquid running down my pants. Once when I was working at PCH, I met someone in the men’s room, while washing my hands. I started talking to the individual, leaning against the sink with my arms folded when all of a sudden I feel something wet on my lower back! Someone had left the sink I was leaning against all wet, and it left a long streak of wetness along my back, parallel to my belt!

When I eat in the office, I take a cloth napkin to work and put it around my neck, tucked into my collar. Nothing hits my tie or shirt, but sure as hell it finds my lap.

Being absent minded could be the reason, but don’t flatter me that way because my mind was never there to begin with. I once got into the same section of a revolving door at a bank, with this little old lady. I have been known to enter apartments thinking I was somewhere else, when I was in a stranger’s home! (More on that one later.)

One of my worst offenses is what I call name blank. You may have experienced it yourself, but I own the rights to this phenomena. I go to introduce two or more people that I know well, yet forget one persons name for some reason. What I usually do is stall the introduction, elaborating on how I know this individual until he or she blurts out their name.

And the very worst thing that can happen to me? When the Little Woman ask me to take care of something she’s been handling all along, say picking up a medication and using a debit card to pay for it. I don’t know the procedure, and inevitably the pharmacist has to guide me as I mumble, “The Wife usually takes care of this.”