THE CURTAIN CAPER, OR ANYBODY FOR HOT CHIPS?

Last evening I discovered that TLW (The Little Woman) uses me as a model for her lessons in her religious class. She teaches little 7 year olds about God and the opposite, namely me.

Many years ago, when I was just a pre-teen, my parents went to the city to bring my little Italian Grandmother home for a few days for some occasion or other. My sister Fran and I were left behind for a few hours and in the days of black and white TV; things could get boring in a hurry. It was this very occasion that TLW used for one of life’s lessons.

As that evening progressed, I became hungry, or should I say hungrier. I decided to make potato chips, and my young and able assistant, my sister Fran would help me, whether she wanted to or not. We got some potatoes and sliced them up, pour some oil into a frying pan and dumped the potatoes into the pan. Not looking crisp enough for my liking, I jacked up the flame all the way. Suddenly, the pan caught fire, and an orange-yellow flame began licking out of the pan, and I decided I would just carry it over to the sink, and pour tap water on it. Big mistake! The flame leaped out of the pan and onto the curtains that draped over the sink! I quickly ripped off the curtains, and did a Mexican hat dance on them until the flame went out. Surveying the damage, I noticed that only the middle of the curtain was burned, so I decided to cut it away, and sew it up.

My assistant Martha Stewart and me laid out the curtain on the floor, and using my Mother’s sewing kit cut and sewed. When we were finished, we decided it looked pretty good! We hung them back up and reasoned that my Mother would be so unhappy about having her Mother-in-law in the house for a few days, that she wouldn’t notice a thing.

We waited anxiously for the return of my parents and I was suddenly overcome with a religious furor that I could not begin to describe. We heard the car pull up and the doors slam. A little bit of Italian told me they had indeed arrived. My heart started to beat faster and faster, as the voices in Italian got closer and closer. Suddenly the door opened, I crossed myself and made a mental note to change my underware as they entered the kitchen. “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CURTAINS!!!”

Fran the stool pigeon revealed all.

The lesson TLW taught?

Well boys and girls, when you do something wrong, you should say you did it, and say you are sorry.

Of course it helps a hell of a lot is you are out of range of my Mother’s backhand.