TLW AND I ARE SEPERATING!

Yes, it’s true! TLW (The Little Woman) and I are going our separate ways. After years of shopping together, we reached an amicable agreement to never shop together again. She will get control of the credit cards, and I will be named on the credit report.

It seems that we give off an aura of vulnerability whenever we enter a store together. A salesperson can sense it and immediately make a sale. Yesterday we were supposed to go to Sleepy’s and buy a bed frame for #2 Son, and walked out owning not only a bed frame, but a new bed, that you not only sleep in, but pay for over 36 months! This little beauty has everything you could ask for: it acts as a flat bed, it raises the head into numerous positions, as you like, and it raises the midpoint as well as the feet. We can actually be comfortable reading a book or newspaper, or watching TV. You are supposed to go from rest to deep sleep in 4.5 seconds. (Unless #2 Son is out after curfew.) And get this-it VIBRATES! The last time I was on a vibrating bed was in Paris on my honeymoon, and it cost me a coin, not 36 months of payments.

We had no plans to make such a purchase, but TLW cared enough about my comfort since I have been complaining about lack of sleep for about a year now, due to arthritis pain in the shoulders and legs at night.

The salesman asked an innocent question: “How old is your mattress?” We answered: “Over 20 years!” and the Bum whispers: “Thank you God.” All the salespeople we meet whisper that.

It isn’t enough to get a sales pitch, no, he had to have a scientific demonstration complete with a computer, a hard sell video, and complete knowledge of the skeletal system and “Pressure points” of the human body. According to him, the pressure points from my body as I lay on the test bed, shows considerable discomfort, and I should have died years ago, but forgot to lie down!

But first as does a small ship about to be overwhelmed by pirates, we have to fire one shot, or at least put up some resistance with the pirate across the table from us. Do we really need a new bed, the one we have is really in very good shape.

Pirate Black Bart: Every ten years or so you should get a new one.

Suckers: But it doesn’t even have an indentation.

Pirate Black Bart: Do you know that bed mattresses gain twice their weight in bed mites and dust and bed mite wastes?

Suckers: Is that so?

Pirate Black Bart: Yes, and besides; you deserve a new bed after 20 years, it more than took care of you.

We signed on the dotted line, and after we did, he like all salespeople we ever meet, took his bandana off his face, so we could see what he looked like.