DON’T GET OLD!

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Am I feeling old these days. I get a cold and then suddenly I’m good for nothing, proving Mom, Dad and TLW (The Little Woman) right.

As I am slowly getting better, and I mean slowly, everything is too hard to think about, there are too many chores to do, when I move I feel aches.

Getting old does have it perks, whether I want them or not. Like the other day I was leaving a store, and some old guy held the door for me as I was leaving. He had to be about 60! Really, what is he doing running around by himself unsupervised?

All the pretty girls sit next to me now, since they or I can’t conceive of any threats. If I hold my breath, TLW checks my pulse. In fact, while I was making funeral arrangements for myself, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought I would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured me.

I wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

I have taken to using my android and texting with my older friends. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GGGG: Gotta Go, Got Gas!

Reading a prescription bottle is now time-consuming. The pharmacy companies have decided to print the ‘usage’ in 4 pt. type, causing me to take off my glasses and sticking the instructions directly under a lamp, causing me to burn my fingers.

I decided to dub New Year’s Eve as amateur night so I don’t have to stay up past 10:00 PM. I used to go to the toilet because I had to, now I go to read and get away from it all.

I like this joke, so I thought I would share it. At 85 years of age, Wally marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new, but aged, husband might over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opened and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the newlyweds are done , Wally kisses his bride, bids her a f ond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha --- you guessed it --- Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"