DelBloggolo: CONFESSIONS OF A HUSBAND SHOPPER

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Years ago I read a book called: Confessions of an English Opium Eater, written by Thomas De Quincey in 1821. The book is an interesting read only if you wish to read and understand it. The book is NOT unlike shopping on a Saturday morning in a large supermarket.

Recently I set out to do the household shopping for the Little Woman (TLW). Just driving to the parking lot it starts. Some dumb ass lady waits until I’m on top of her and then cuts me off, turning in front of me, causing me to jam on my brakes!

One of my problems is that the store is too big, and life is too short. You can find the same product in two or even three locations, yet I can’t find it on the first try! I could peruse the total 950 ailes, and not see what I’m looking for, go to the help desk and ask, and they tell me I’ll find it in aisles 7, 19 and 423. (Big store)

I shop from a list, and TLW usually constructs the list so that I get exercise in while shopping. She will list a dairy product, then a can product, switch to a fresh vegetable, then bring me back to the dairy section, and repeat the order a few dozen times. So the last time I got smart and redid the list, only to discover I forgot some of the things she listed.

There are two kinds of shoppers, women and retired men. The men are more of a problem than the women. When they shop, like me they are unfamiliar with the terrain, and will take a lot of time looking at the shelf. This is because they are afraid of buying the wrong thing, then having to go home to listen to the little woman tell him so. This usually comes with a sobbing look on her face, guilt on his and a vow that neither of them will trust the other ever again.

As I enter the store, after careful analysis of TLW’s handwriting and reinterpretation thereof, I immediately go to the pharmacist to reinterpret her handwriting one more time. Sometimes he can figure it out and sometimes he has to call his assistant, a woman to do the actual translation.

Once I have successfully gathered the items listed and few I think she needs, I go to the checkout to pay. This is a difficult thing to do. For one thing I am parting with my money, two I am looking for a line that is not too long and three, getting my phone out to call my “Keychain” app so I get some money off the bill as they scan the phone. If I don’t have the cell phone with me, the line goes very slowly, but if I am fiddling with the damned thing, the line moves so fast that all is a blur, as I struggle to get the stuff on the conveyor belt, in a reasonable order to unpack them when I get home, and finding the ‘Keyring’ app amidst all the apps on the darn phone, AND the coupons TLW gave me to have money off on.

There is usually an old lady behind me on the line, who looks impatient and wants me to start loading my groceries so she can take a separator and load hers on the conveyor belt at the same time.

The checkout girl wishes she was elsewhere, but what she is doing. She robotically scans everything like a cheap hooker working her last customer for the night. (Please don’t ask how I know that).

Ever try to help the robot girl pack? She scans and tosses the groceries and you try to open those annoying plastic bags at the end of the conveyor. You rub and nothing happens and finally resorting to spittle on the fingers and then they open! Sanitary no?

Once we pack it all and dump it into the shopping cart, you know, the one that refuses to go where you want it to go, you push it toward the exit, where there are old ladies in front of you, trying to prolong their lives by going at half speed and resting every 12 inches, so that you want to end their suffering immediately.

But the fun is not over as you still have to reach your car! It sits somewhere out there, out of sight and you panic as you head to where you thought you parked it and wonder if this is indeed the moment you dreaded, the theft of your car. But your fears are alleviated by the fact that you did find it, tucked between to huge SUV’s on either side. (Why does anyone need cars that big?)

Try pulling out between these monster vehicles, it’s like a crap shoot, people will see you are pulling out but will either walk slowly by or drive by hoping you don’t hit them as you negotiate to find a clear view so you can safely pull out of the parking space. The next time TLW sends me to the Stop & Shop its over: my lawyer will contact her lawyer as soon as I can convince her to get one.