DelBloggolo: TIME OUT

Sunday, January 04, 2015

TIME OUT

A guy comes home from a bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He's lying in bed for a few minutes and suddenly lets rip a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." and she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tied score!”

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." So for about 10 minutes he’s trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps the bed!

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Half time, switch sides."

Too much football even for me, since I spent half a day watching the various bowl games on New Year’s Day! Your body can metamorphous into many forms of vegetation and even animal, from a potato to a lizard as the light in the room changes, so do you.

Many years ago when we were first married, TLW (The Little Woman) would hate it when I watched football, preferring me to pay attention to her as she took care of the cooking for the first time. I figured she was so busy in the kitchen if I gave her a story she would think my time spent in front of the TV was being well spent.

“Are you watching football again this Sunday?”

“No, I’m watching the NFL instead.”

“The NFL? What’s that?”

“The National Federation of Lawyers”

“Oh! OK.”

I got away with this for maybe a quarter of the game when she became suspicious of my cursing at the TV. Then when we had children, she would just surrender and go to her mother’s for the afternoon with the kids.

Yes, I was a low-life lying fink, but that was a guilt free ¼ of a game. I have since mended my sinful ways and tell her the truth. I did play with my kids, come home every night and we did talk, so that was the worst thing I did.

It was at a halftime that I once switched a channel and found this show about surrogate parents and illegitimate children. The host asked a theoretical question: “What would you say if some child showed up at your door and said: ‘Hi, I’m your spouse’s child!” This got me thinking so I called in TLW and asked her the question. After a moment she responded: I would excuse myself for a moment and return to say: I’m sorry, your father is dead!”