IT SEEMS SO HARD!

Since June and the sadness that has followed, I think I am in a state of mind that is not positive. I have lost interest in many of the things I enjoyed in life, and find no reason to want to chase them.

I used to play Santa for people with disabilities at their annual Holiday dance, but this year I tried to do it and I am dreading it. I just don’t want to anymore. I want the holidays to go away and I want to close up my life and move somewhere where there are no reminders. But that won’t solve the problem, my memories are too vivid and saddened by the losses and setbacks I have suffered along with my family. It seems that watching it all evolve has taken a toll on me, but not for myself but for my children and especially my grandchildren. I am grateful that I will at least be spending the holiday with them as I keep beating myself over their loss.

I just finished a major project and am not happy that it even occurred. What I did was a work of love, but like tired lovers, I am just going through the motions of doing it. It was something I was eager to do when I started it I was, then June came around and like everything else, I lost interest and just did what I had to do to finish it, meanwhile being distracted by the constant bad news.

There is great disappointment in people I thought I loved and they loved me, but that is not true so I will move on from there as I do from Santa and everything else that I loved. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just disappointed in life and all that has happened.

Having a Christmas tree or decorations is out of the question, I don’t want any, and especially after the perfect Christmas, I had last year. Maybe that Christmas will be my lasting memories of Christmas and I will only recall that time in years to come during the holiday seasons.

I do wish you all a great holiday and I hope you prosper through the years and live a stress-free life.