IT’S LIKE GETTING TEETH PULLED

Have you ever gone through something that just refuses to pan out. Well for the past year that is exactly what is happening to me when it comes to the dentist.

My dentist came to America from the noble land of Greece, and is a Greek freedom fighter, and is fighting me over here in the States. Not only does her accent prevent me from understanding her, her attitude prevents me from liking her. She is very lazy, and I think she got her diploma from Spike’s Dental School and Automotive Repair Shop. (Come to think about it, she has spread out a little if you know what I mean.) And that chest! Smothering me as she exams my mouth, telling me no less to open wide! She should open an office and call it: Teeth R Us. Instead Dr. Lazyopoulous works with a “Dental Group.” With a Dental Group you get to make an appointment at any time so you can come back later in two or three weeks to be told: ”Uh-Uh” we don’t do that. No, it turns out what I need is 5 crowns and 3 bridges for my mouth. I don’t think NYC has that many bridges. The Dental Group has their “specials” the GW Bridgework, that keeps your gums tied up for over ¾ of an hour, they offer the Throgs Neck Bridgework which spans the whole side of your mouth, letting little deposits drop into your throat to choke you, and the special of the house, the Whitestone Bridgework that comes in lovely white enamel caps, and if you are on your way to New England, your mouth will taste the seaside, (seaweed extra, of course.)

Speaking of “Course”, the cost…Over six thousand molars, but they do take credit cards. One of the important aspects of the Dental Group is their free offering of forms to fill out. If they haven’t seen you in more than 1 year, out come the forms. Such forms with questions like: How old was your Mother-in-law when she cut her first tooth, and her phone number when she was three years old, the current policy number in which you better have insurance to pay for this, and a new form on sleep apnea! It seems that they would like to expand the business, and figure this field to be a natural. I fill out the form, and they tell me I am a prime candidate for apnea testing and research, in which I will be receiving a call in a few days. I just hope they don’t awaken me from one of my naps. (Actually I am resting my eyes.) Then there is the form that is written in 5 point Times Roman Condensed, that fills the 8 ½” x 11” paper with what you are supposed to read that will absolve them when they screw up the job, and you come out talking like you walk with a swish and talk with a lisp to booth.

You call ahead and they ask: “What are you coming in for?” You go to the receptionist and she asks: “What are you here for?” They escort you into the examining room and the assistant asks: “What are you here for?” and finally, Dr. Lazyopoulous asks: “Why are you here?” I think: “to annoy you my dear with my teeth.”