THE PIRATE LADY

Yesterday TLW (The Little Woman) and I decided to go to the mall to look for some candles to place on our dining room table. Before we even got there, she decided we should stop at Penney’s, which is outside the mall, and see if they carried anything. Next to Penney’s is a furniture store the TLW wanted to visit to see if they carried coffee tables for our den. BIG MISTAKE!

As we entered the store, greeting us was a older lady about 67 or 68 with a name tag on and one eye half closed due to an infection that made her look like a pirate. The Pirate Lady gave a circular to TLW and asked where we were from. TLW answered and we continued into the store telling the lady we were: “Just looking.”

As we were looking at tables, the lounge chairs came into view and TLW immediately went over to them to check them out. As we started trying them on for size, with absolutely no intent of buying one, we suddenly hear The Pirate Lady behind us starting to give us details. Half listening we started trying on each chair for height, back and leg support when we reclined them and head support. From chair to chair we went, The Pirate Lady following us about, explaining every fabric, every color, and nuances in the construction of the chairs. We see a second row of chairs and everything repeats itself, The Pirate Lady following us, giving the details as we pondered suddenly which chair we would buy. I sat in this one chair that was the least expensive chair in the inventory and found it to my liking. It made my feet comfortable and held my head just right yet when I reclined it supported me very well in its firmness. I really liked it. The Pirate Lady says: “No, your body language is not good in that chair” My body language was not good for her commission. Since we were now suddenly buying, I had to compromise and choose a chair that TLW liked since we were buying two.

How did I come to buying two chairs?

The Pirate Lady!

Beware The Pirate Lady; she will sell you anything you don’t want to buy. Granted we talked about buying new chairs for the Den since we didn’t like the ones we own, and the purchase made sense, but the timing was a surprise.

The Pirate Lady was so good at selling that she even has a set of questions that she shoots at you from the lead question. As an example, she says to me as I sign away on the terms of the chairs:

Giants or Jets fan?

Me: Jets!?

She gives me a thumbs up and asks: Do you have any confidence in Chad Pennington?

Had I said I was a Giants fan, she would have had questions about Eli Manning. But it didn’t end there, no, The Pirate Lady then stayed in ear shot as we started to look for the candles in this store, and again The Pirate Lady gives us an assessment on accessories that the store carries.
TLW and I start to walk faster, The Pirate Lady picks up speed, we dodge left and feint right, and she’s right behind us! Panic is starting to sink in, we start to run to the front of the store, The Pirate Lady keeping pace when finally someone intercepts her and we burst through the doors and head to Penney’s.

As we walk around Penney’s, I’m starting to look over my shoulder, wondering if she followed us into Penney’s too.

P.S. We did find some candles, but The Pirate Lady haunted us the whole time!