WELCOME TO KAMIKAZEE BOULEVARD

I am a very brave soul. Every day I take my chances as I drive #2 son back and forth to the local community college. The college itself is not dangerous, just the parking lot and the exits from them.

Some of the kids have a blind faith in their ability to pull out of a parking space and drive off. What they do is close their eyes and yell: “Here I come!” This is taught at the Helen Keller School of Driving. You generally can catch them as they emerge suddenly from their space. The Stevie Wonders of aggressive driving.

Then we have the caller. This is the young lady who phones ahead to the next stop sign or traffic light. All this is possible because she had a phone job. Unlike a nose job, the surgeon adds something rather than takes away. With this miracle surgery, she can still lead a normal life, thank God! When she drives she doesn’t need her rear view or side mirrors, since you better watch out for her.

What college parking lot would be complete without a dude? This is a young fellow who wears baseball caps backwards, hangs his arm over the steering wheel and calls everybody dude. Thinks he and the SUV he drives are cool. Like the young lady ahead of him, his cellular is surgically added to his physicality with such permanence that he is able to phone in his next move every hour, on the hour, even while he sleeps, as the world eagerly awaits his next move. He generally follows you so close you can feel his breath on your neck.

The emergence of new phenomena: the Revolutionary takes on a whole new dimension. He usually drives an old car, in dire need of a muffler, paint job and fender. Generally smokes and slides in and out of lanes with abandon. Generally takes up all causes, smokes and has boots of some kind that are old and untied. Wears baggy pants and t-shirts with a message. His head is adorned to look like a revolutionary freedom fighter in Bolivia or some country in South America, waiting to kill a “Gringo” Can utter words but prefer not to since he would have to engage in a conversation. He feels all white men are the root cause of evil in the world.

As for me, I was planning on buying a Humvee to drive through the parking lots, but I hear you can get a good deal at the Pentagon for a used tank, WWII vintage.

Please Note: I will be taking a break from this Blog until Monday. See you then.