SAINTHOOD

TLW (The Little Woman) and I went to church today. She thinks I’m worth saving, so off we went. Now I’m not against religion, but let me tell you, communicating with God is one thing, getting him to communicate back to me is another!

Being how I am almost deaf, sitting in the pew, listening to a sermon is difficult, since I hardly understand what the Priest is saying. Couple that with the coughing, a-hemming and what not that goes on. Let alone the sneezing, it is even more difficult to understand the guy. If this is not enough, we have this Priest from Nigeria, who can’t speak English as it is, let alone MY understanding him.

I like to do one of two things when this particular Priest gives a sermon. The first is to try to catch a catnap. And the second is to watch all the parishioners who are actually listening to what he is saying. Most like me have a glazed look on them, staring away to some distant thought that was triggered by an African accent.

In surveying the lay of the land, I noticed a rather large gentleman sitting in front of me, who was in direct line of the Priest from his pulpit and me. He can actually block me off from seeing Father Nigeria as he speaks. This is good! This allows me to catch that nap while not being seen. There is a constant nagging problem of TLW’s elbow, which has been trying to make a home in my ribs for years, it seems whenever I seem to rest my eyes. You see, these catnaps are not really sleep, but eye resting, and her elbow starts to jerk out uncontrollably when that happens. It is one of life’s greatest mysteries.

Then there is the sign of peace. I will be cruising along in pious revelry, Father Nigeria will say: “Lea thus hoffer heach hudder der sian uf peece” (Let us offer each other the sign of peace). IT NEVER FAILS; THE LADY IN FRONT OF ME SNEEZES INTO HER RIGHT HAND, NO TISSUE OR HANKY, AND THEN OFFERS IT TO ME TO SHAKE. Maybe she thinks she doesn’t have a hanky, so it will clean when she shakes my hand! I on the other hand, pretend I don’t see her, facing behind me until the Priest starts praying again. You have to know how to work the room.

Now, let us pray:
Oh Father, in your kindness and wisdom, you preserved the roof of your House, when I enter every Sunday, saving the lives of the innocent from destruction. How it is that the Priest doesn’t pass out seeing me show up is another of your wondrous mysteries.
Amen

I suspect that since I am married to TLW (some have suggested a Saint because she married me), I have been thus far spared the indignities of God’s wrath in his House. No kidding.

TOMORROW: The Hood has a get together. Stay tuned.