Recently on Facebook, my neighbor Lisa from across the street
made a post. It is a quote from Bette Davis about children that went: “If you
have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.”
About 22 years ago, when #2 son was just learning about the
world, he would come over to me and have an object in his hand. It could be
anything, a toy, a book, a piece of sports equipment, even food. He would climb
on my lap and ask me to tell him about it.
This would go on most nights, after dinner, as I sat and
relaxed in my chair. If TLW (The Little Woman) was busy in the kitchen cleaning
up, I could embellish the information to some how include TLW in my
explanations.
For instance: one night he had a rope with him, climbing on
board asked me to tell him about it.
“Well, this is used for Daddy. Mommy takes it with her when she
makes me go shopping with her, she ties my hands behind my back and takes my
wallet and spends all my money!”
From the kitchen TLW yells: “JOOOOE!”
“Oops! OK, she just ties my hands AFTER I give her my
wallet.”
Then he got a little older and I was asking the questions.
“What happened to my magic markers?”
“I Don’t know.” His hands are very colorful while answering.
Then one day there were no questions from either of us, so I
asked TLW:
“Is he coming out of his room anytime soon?”
And so life goes, one day the child is innocent enough that
he needs you to tell him what it is all about. Then one day he discovers the
world and starts to explore it himself, until one day he starts to think YOU
don’t know anything, it was him all along who knows. Then the magical day
comes, when he is in your position, and realizes: “What the hell is wrong with
me? Maybe I’ll ask my parents. But along the way, a little child climbs up on
his lap and starts to ask questions.
2 comments:
This is a good, interesting blogue. I don't have kids, but probably will soon and this is something I think about a lot. I've never completely understood this, though. I've never "hated" my parents. I may have disagreed with them at times, and thought I knew better about the world - every kid does -- and I may have unfairly blamed them for things that went wrong in my life, but I never hated. That's probably because my parents never gave me any reasons to hate.
When you're 16 and your hormones are raging and you don't know where you fit in and the only place that seems safe is the inside of your bedroom, other people (like parents) might think you hate them, but you don't. If anything, the 16-year-old who hides in his/her room probably hates him/herself more than anyone else in the world. I don't have kids, so I don't know what it must be like to have my child who used to love me unconditionally suddenly start ignoring me, being mean to me and maybe even telling me they "hate" me. But my outside perspective on this is that the person these kids really hate is themselves, and we should find out why that is and try to fix that. It seems to me like this is a lot of "anger turned inward" on behalf of these kids, but instead, as a way of self-protection, it manifests itself as anger turned towards everyone else -- especially the parents because they are the one who happen to be in the way.
When my kids go from loving me to suddenly being sullen and ignoring me -- which they will, that's what EVERY teenager does -- I hope I will try to figure out what is going on with them first before I take it personally and feel sorry for myself that they aren't as cute as innocent as they used to be. But then again, I don't have kids yet and have never tried to raise someone who suddenly starts cursing me or giving me the finger -- or physically trying to harm me -- so it's easier said than done on my part at this point. And it must be a terrible feeling to have to "mourn" losing that child that used to love you, and suddenly watch as they treat you like crap.
But, as someone who used to be a teenager who came from great parents, I would say this to parents who are going through this: Chances are the one person your kid REALLY hates is actually himself. That is a sophisticated understanding for a kid to have, though, so often times they will turn their own self-hatred onto others, and sadly that is usually the parents. Try to talk to them, though -- or encourage them to talk to a professional about the things they are feeling. If they still hate you, well, then they're just rotten kids and there's nothing you can do. : )
-#1 Son
To #1 son: For someone who doesn't have children yet you sure do know
alot about them. You were taught well by your parents. My children
are all grown up now and I'm sure
at times they still dislike me even
now and at times I dislike them as well but I will always love them no matter what.
Post a Comment