I’M GIVING UP WATCHING THEM BUMS

No, not the Brooklyn Dodgers, but the Mets, Jets, Islanders and Knicks. In fact, you can throw in the Dragons too.

What brings this on?

Well have you looked at the salaries of these bums? They make more money individually than most charities bring in. Why? Because I used to watch them lose, that’s why. But no more watching, for now on I will be devoting that time to prayer. Yes, I’m going out and buying me a rosary, and some Buddhist prayer beads. Every time a game comes on I will whip out the beads. I’ve been thinking of getting two or three sets of beads to change off from one season to the other.

In the winter, instead of watching the ice cold Bums from Uniondale skate around on ice like little schoolgirls, I pray. Instead of watching the droopy draw giants of the Garden dribble up and down the hardwood, I pray. In the fall, instead of watching the vegetative behemoths of the gridiron, I will indeed pray. The summers will be free from the black and blue overpriced, and under talented softball team that plays at Shea Stadium, why, because I will be praying.

This afternoon, I will go out and find a religious store that specializes in prayer beads. I was thinking of getting something in a nice green for the fall, since it will keep me from getting depressed over the fact that summer is over. I thought for the winter, I needed some kind of colors that take away the coldness of the season, so I think orange with some blue would be nice. Summer can bum me out, with the oppressive heat, and think some cool colors will help. How about black and blue and for a little color, orange?

Once I get the beads, I need something to pray about. It gets kind of boring and repetitious to pray for world peace all the time, so no, that’s out. Of course there is world hunger, but the little woman has ME on a diet already, so no, no world hunger. That kind of takes all the big issues up, since I already pray my 18 year old will find a wife and move out.

OK, maybe this isn’t such a good idea, especially the way all this praying stuff is panning out. Maybe I can open up a church of my own. I’ll call it St. Del Broccolo the Martyr, with services held at Hooters every game day.