A few years ago I discovered that TLW (The Little Woman) used me as a model for her lessons in her religious class. She taught little 7-year olds about God and the opposite, namely me.
She related to her little urchins about an
‘incident’ when I was just a pre-teen. My parents went to the city to bring my
little Italian Grandmother home for a few days for some occasion or another. My
Younger sister and I were left behind for a few hours and in the days of black
and white TV; things could get boring in a hurry. It was this very occasion
that TLW used for one of life’s lessons.
As that evening wore on, I became hungry or
should I say hungrier. I decided to make potato chips and my young and able
assistant would help me, whether she wanted to or not. We got some potatoes and
sliced them up, poured some oil into a frying pan and dumped the potatoes into
the pan. Not looking crisp enough for my liking, I jacked up the flame all the
way! Suddenly, the pan caught fire, and an orange-yellow flame began licking
out of the pan, and I decided I would just carry it over to the sink, and pour
tap water on it. Big mistake! The flame leaped out of the pan and onto the
curtains that draped over the sink! I quickly ripped off the curtains and did a
Mexican hat dance on them until the flame went out. Surveying the damage, I
noticed that only the middle of the curtain was burned, so I decided to cut it
away, and sew it up.
My assistant Martha Stewart and I laid out the
curtain on the floor and using my Mother’s sewing kit, cut and sewed. When we
were finished we decided it looked pretty good! We hung them back up and
reasoned that my Mother would be so unhappy about having her Mother-in-law in
the house for a few days, that she wouldn’t notice a thing.
We waited anxiously for the return of my parents
and I was suddenly overcome with a religious furor that I couldn’t begin to
describe. We heard the car pull up and the doors slam. A little bit of Italian
told me they had indeed arrived. My heart started to beat faster and faster, as
the voices in Italian got closer and closer. Suddenly the door opened, I
crossed myself and made a mental note to change my underwear as they entered
the kitchen.
“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CURTAINS!!!???”
Younger sister the stool pigeon revealed all.
The lesson TLW taught?
Well, boys and girls, when you do something wrong,
you should say you did it, and say you are sorry.
Of course, it helps a hell of a lot is you are
out of range of my Mother’s wooden spoon!
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