NOOOOOOOO!

Yes, dear!

And that in a nutshell was the conversation betwixt moi and TLW (The Little Woman)!

It all started when we discovered we needed a new patio door.

TLW: “Joe, we need a new patio door!”
That was the first hint, next came the fact that the door was falling apart!

Off we go to Home Depot, the land of expense and noise. As we enter the section for patio doors, I saw an opportunity to make a little mischief, and did not waste a moment. Standing in front of me is a door that I know TLW would not go for.

Moi: “OOOH, that’s a nice door!”
TLW: Waving her hands horizontally, like the second base umpire signaling a steal of second base, but yelling: NOOOOOOOO!
That her eyes were popping, her hands frantically waving, or her voice rising above the din of the warehouse did not stop me from pretending I was surprised.

Moi: “Why, what’s wrong?”
TLW: “We are NOT buying that type of door, we will get the replacements for the existing door only.
Moi: “Yes, dear.” (What a sissy I am with her! A real man would have made a little fuss before giving in.)

We happened to find a salesman, hiding behind a stack of paint buckets, keeping his head down, but he was too tall.

Me: (We are back to English) “Sir, can you help us?” Turns out he can!

We speak customer speak, and he punches in a few keys and finds what we want. That is always good news: the bad news is he only stocks half of what we want. The patio door is a slide version: that means one side is stationary and one door slides. He only has a stationary door in stock, one that normally sells for over $400, which he has for $85! Punching in some more keys he sends us to another store to get the balance for $85 also! What should have been well over $800 is less that $175!

We go to another Home Depot, and enter the department, where an elderly, sour looking gentleman is sitting. TLW speaks up first. (What did you expect?) He looks at us with a troubled look on his face, creating more wrinkles than a wet bed sheet on his face. I whisper to TLW: “This looks like trouble!”

Reluctantly he rises from his chair and saunters off, and we follow. Looking up into the stock he feigns confusion. Just then another salesman shows up! God must have been shopping there at Home Depot that day, because he immediately finds what we want, and says: “There it is, see, number 87528737, second one from the left!”

Grouchy: “Yeah, but it had the wrong skid number!”
God’s Helper: But the number is correct!”
Grouchy: But the WRONG skid number!

TLW: “How much?”
Grouchy: $85!

WE, that is: TLW and Moi (French returns, this is a special occasion!), fly out the store. WE, after 39 years have found a real bargain!

WE will go to sleep that night waiting for the call to come. You know the call, where they inform you that the price they gave us was incorrect and we better return the merchandise or else!

GREETINGS

She entered into the lobby, drifting in and out of sleep, strapped in a wheel chair. She slouched in her chair eyes rolling and her face serene. She wanted to stay awake, and she looked like she had too much to drink. But it wasn’t drink that made her drift so: no it was medications to calm her from the self-inflicted fright from something she did not understand.

Two people accompanied her to this place, where I sat waiting in anticipation of her arrival. The two people entered the large and cavernous building, one pushing the wheel chair and one cutting to his right to sign in. The woman behind the wheel chair knew me and waved almost immediately. We exchanged pleasantries and I accompanied her to a sitting area, where other people waited their turn in wheel chairs too.

My daughter Ellen was at the UCP clinic for a dental checkup, and in spite of the sedation she was under, I knew it would be hell, and I would probably pay that bill.

Slowly her curly head with black ringlets started to stir once more. I sat perfectly still and held my breath, not wanting to disturb her. Her eyes, started to flutter and her long eyelashes battered up and down, as if she was now switched on.

At first, she did not know where she was, and confusion overcame the landscape on her face. As she searched around for something familiar, her darting eyes settled on me. There was no reaction at first, then: as if on cue, her eyes brightened in recognition, but she could not get the strength to rise up and greet me. She rose from her chair slightly, and fell back. She knew I was with her, and that she would not be alone anymore.

Making sounds with her mouth, and no words coming forth, she was able to express how pleased she was to see me once again, clapping her hands and clicking her tongue. If she were freed from the chair, she would be hugging me, pounding my back and pushing me out the door almost saying: “Come on Daddy, let’s go home!”

As good as she made me feel, she also made me regret what was to take place. Once again I would betray her joy and trust in me. And when I was finished, not only would my heart be broken, but my spirit, and body as well.

A child like Ellen, who by the way is a 38 year-old woman, inflicted with Angelman syndrome, can not speak, and very rarely can express herself. She neither understands things, nor has the capacity to do so. I impose my feeling into her mind, and we both suffer for it.

I took over the wheel chair as we rolled Ellen into the examining room, and omitted the dental chair for the ease of keeping Ellen still, and comfortable. The examination would take place by a very pleasant man, one who had such compassion that he should be considered for sainthood.

As he bent over to look into Ellen’s mouth, he gently greeted her and told her what he planned to do. She blankly looked up at him and laughed. I introduced myself, explained who I was and how she did not understand and he asked me a series of questions. Then the fun began!

As he pried open her mouth ever so gently, she chomped down of the poor man’s fingers, and we had to literally grab her jaws and free his index finger! He gave her a sedative after calling the nurse at Ellen’s home, and she began drifting.

Confidently, but with some caution, the good doctor began to pry open her mouth, reach in to exam her gums and she clamped down once more, like a slammed door. Once more I reach over to get his fingers free, as she is now working on mine, as I yell: “Save yourself, doctor!” Fortunately neither one of us is hurt enough, and we are both free. Ellen is now flailing about, the wheelchair somehow comes unlocked and she is moving it into the nurse, shins first! Feet kicking higher than a Rockette’s, she is determined to do away with everyone, in one kick, and almost does.

The dentist, shaken up and badly mauled by my little girl, suggests I get her to surgeon, instead. As he flees the room, I thank him and bend over my daughter to see if she is calmed down. She grabs me around the neck, laughs and pounds my back! Another one bites the dust!

GETTING A FOOT IN THE DOOR!

Recently I was in New York City to visit a client of mine. The client is the oldest and largest school for podiatric medicine in the country, and maybe the world! It is located on either Park Avenue, or 124th Street, whichever address you prefer to use. It is a place where my mind runs in overdrive, while I search for photos, documents and publications that relate to the 100 years of the college’s existence. The school is the New York College of Podiatric Medicine.

When you enter the building, one of the first things you notice in the lobby is the display case on your right as you enter. It is a collection of miniature shoes dating back to the last two centuries! Metal, plastic, wood all constitute the make-up of the collection, and the colors run the gamut of the rainbow. Some shoes are fashion statements, some are artistic works and some are caractures of life.

But as you go deep into the bowels of the building, everything looks like it belongs to UNC (The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill or Tar Heels) feet or foot imprints, are posted everywhere!

“I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a kick out of you?”

The building it self is very old, turn of the 20th Century beauty that makes it an elegant old lady. Renovated a number of times through the years, the offices are small and cramped in the old section of the school. Then an annex was built and the walls were knocked down to connect the old from the new, and the differences are startling.

“Some get a kick from cocaine.
I'm sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrific'ly too
Yet I get a kick out of you.”

The lecture halls, classrooms and labs are all situated in the new section, with al the latest equipment, yet the cafeteria remains as it did in the early 1900’s, crowded, cramped and noisy. On some days you see the Dean and President eating lunch together with the students and faculty.

“I get a kick ev'rytime I see
You standing there before me.
I get a kick though it's clear to me
You obviously don't adore me.
I get no kick in a plane,
Flying too high with some guy in the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a kick out of you.”

The student body seems almost professional in their approach to the academic life they lead. It is after all a sobering profession, where they deal with people that have foot problems, and a proving ground with their foot clinic for the people of the city. There is no loud laughter that you find in some colleges, no running around shouting or what not.

The library has pamphlets and books dating to 1896, which I had to read through for my project for the school. The people that man the library are extremely cooperative and very helpful. They treat guests as royalty, and makes for a very pleasurable experience for someone like me to work there.

The faculty, administration and student body are very diverse, with representation from practically every country in the world! It is a wonderful place to see as an outsider, and a school that has a great and powerful tradition.

Did you know that depending on which state of the union you work in as a podiatrist, you are limited as to how far up the leg you can treat? Some states allow you to work as high as the knee, while others only at the ankle.

So I am grateful for being exposed to this world of feet, especially since mine are always barking at me.

Did you know, that the school aids in fitting our troops into those boots we put on the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan?

RANT TIME

There are two phrases that I always get a chuckle out of. The first comes from the major corporations that screw things up for the public, and try to look way above the mistake they made, due to negligence and incompetence. Of course I’m speaking about BP, and the great job they are not doing.

This oil spill or leak will cost the US Taxpayer $10 billion! Should it be our problem, or should the British taxpayer cover that cost? This is a British company, making money here in the US, causing the ruination of wildlife, businesses and leisure time on the beaches. It threatens to travel around Florida and up the coast!

Their CEO was flippant, arrogant and downright stupid, yet even with his removal in October, to be replaced by an American, the problem will not go away soon.
They ran an ad recently on TV stating: (and here it comes folks) “We will do everything to make it right.” Oh! Good, when? How? We the taxpayers will fit that bill.

Then there is my other favorite phrase; exclusively corrupt politicians it seems use this one. “I look forward to my day in court, where I will be fully exonerated.” The most recent to make this declaration of innocence is one Charles Rangel. The esteemed representative from Harlem NY is so innocent: he is now cutting a plea bargain deal as I write this!

Now don’t go away. There is one more rant I would like to leave you with. This is directed toward the famous New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority. Ah, a nice bunch of folks, who have jobs that have no work but can spend the money, the rider’s hard earned money, and then ask for a raise in fares and salaries. The unions protect the phony jobs that are being held by people that do nothing. I know of one individual who once bragged to me that he was a foreman on the LIRR, did very little for his wages and made a nice living doing nothing. Whenever he heard the sound of a LIRR train whistle, he would laugh because me, and people like me who used the rails were paying for his good times.

The MTA has never run efficiently, never lowered a fare, and never worked like it was supposed to.

So let’s hose them all down: send them to jail and be done with the stinking bunch.

IF THIS BE HELL…

During the over-bearing recent heat wave, I was invited to a bar-b-q birthday party, which was beyond human endurance! Temperatures nearing 100 degrees, no wind, and humidity to float a ship were all I needed to reach the point of delirium!

We sat quietly, only my lips moving, so as not to break a sweat, but thinking caused as much perspiration as running!

This Bar-b-q was catered, which made a lot of sense, and the beer and water were warm. The potato chips tasted like they just came out of the oven, as they sat in the sun and heat. A tent was erected over my head, but although it shielded me from sun, the heat was too much. Being this was a birthday party for a 1-year old child, there were enough rug rats to fill my school district’s kindergartens! One child needed to whine and cry in the heat, as I contemplated his murder, while Momma thought it cute. The little chucker screamed in the heat, with an unrelenting pitch, which helped me to unconsciousness. As I wavered in and out, all the kid did was say: “No’ or “I don’t wanna.” Cute little bas….

As I sat there melting with TLW (The Little Woman), a big surprise arrives! Some nut in a blue dog costume, covered as he was in this outfit, which even now makes me want to strip down and run around naked, arrives. Of course this attracts all the little girls, who make him earn his money and then some. Running around, sitting on his lap, making him move, was killing me! All I wanted was for him to get out of sight! It was too hot to look at this character, and so I plotted another murder, and thought, maybe I should go home, before the bodies start to pile up.

Knocking TLW over, along with the blue dog donkey, I reach the car, open the door, and almost pass out once again. The heat rolled out and onto my person, almost choking us. Turning on the AC full blast, I stepped on it and let the cold air engulf the car, relief at last!

There is a lesson in all this. DON’T GO TO BAR-B-Q’s during heat waves.

SHE FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH ME!

It seems it always starts in the A.M. TLW (The Little Woman) makes some kind of statement, some observation, or does something that has a profound effect on things around the old homestead!

Getting up from her chair, she announced:

“Argh! I know how you feel, I think I’m catching up with you!” (Never happen, she doesn’t laugh enough) “Everything hurts, every time I move lately.”

Me: “Maybe you are getting old?”

Dead silence! I try another tactic.

Me: “It’s the weather! Yes, that’s it, the weather.”

TLW: “Yes, of course, but it hurts. Every time I get up now, I wish this heat would go away!”

Me: “Yes, the heat sure is a killer.”

TLW: “You’re not patronizing me, are you?”

Me: “Me? No, no! Why would I do that, besides, I feel it in this weather too!” (Close call!)

TLW: “Well, there is no point complaining, I better get going.”

Me: “Yes, you’ll be late for work!”

TLW: “By the way, did you get to what I asked you to do, yesterday?”

Me: “No, my foot was killing me, the weather you know! Now hurry, you don’t want to be late!”

TLW: “Are going to get to it today?”

Me: “In THIS weather, with MY foot!?”

Who says everyone talks about the weather but no one does anything about?

THE VIEW FROM OCEAN HILL

You grow up in a little conclave of family values, ethnicity, neighborhood and street values, educational tenets and local jargon, which stays with you all your life. It never occurs that it is in itself something anymore special than anyone else’s life. So you get older, move on, and it still stays with you!


When I started writing this blogue, it never occurred to me that it would open a whole new world of people, places and things. What happened is blogging made me new connections with the world, brought me back to my old connections, and re-established my youth. It put me in contact with people I should have known, wish I had known sooner, and am happy that I did indeed write this blog up.

Crossing a span of 55 years, I have covered a lot of ground, childhood and teenage years, and in the last three years especially.

My blogging buddy, Jim Pantaleno: http://spaldeendreams.blogspot.com/ is a good example. He found me through the internet, reading my blogue, and we have had the chance to meet for dinner twice, and I got the pleasure of meeting part of a wonderful family. I have reconnected with my high school classmates running a reunion, and lately, my old friend from Brooklyn, my next door neighbor, Mike Mangino who I hadn’t seen in 55 years! www.bayorthopedic.com
After our last dinner together, Jim lent me a book called: ‘The View From Ocean Hill’, about my old neighborhood, and in particular my street, Hull Street! Written by a guy by the name of Lou Alba, he goes into his days growing up in the neighborhood on Hull Street, in the 1950’s! It took me back; rather it threw me back to my childhood, and those wonderful days!
I always thought I was lucky to grow up in that neighborhood, with all its special places, people or characters that populated the streets, and the special color that went into living day to day in Brooklyn. Reading this book made everything special once again, and made me proud to know I came from Ocean Hill in Brooklyn.

Thank you Jim, Mike, and Lou, and Mom and Dad for living there

THERE GOES MYPOLICY, ONCE AGAIN!

Recently I received an e-mail from one of my baby sisters, asking me to “pass this on”. It IS something I will pass on to you and hope you can understand it. When I wrote on an issue recently about the building of a Mosque on Ground Zero, there was on toxic response that proved my point, and one that supported me. I like to have both!

Here is the e-mail Fran sent me.


“CBS and Katie Couric et al must be in a panic and rushing to reassure the White House that this is not network policy.


Keep this going around the globe. Read it and forward every time you receive it. We can’t give up on this issue.



Andy Rooney says: 

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his Theory of Evolution. 

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game. 

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America and Canada, countries founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody chanting Hare Krishna? 

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer. 

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. 

If I went to a ping-pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.


And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn’t bother me one bit. When in Rome...



But what about the atheists? Is another argument. 


What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of earplugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer! 

Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world’s foundation.



Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. 

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me. The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want. It is time that the majority rules! It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray; you don’t have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right; but by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!"

God bless us one and all...Especially those who denounce Him, God bless America and Canada; despite all our faults We are still the greatest nations of all. God bless our service men that are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

Let's make 2010 the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions. And our military forces come home from all the wars. 

Keep looking up.”

APPREHENSION

I wrote recently about a couple that I happen to admire. They just went through a rough patch, and are making it through. He is fighting esophagus cancer and hopefully has beaten it with an operation.

I knew I wanted to visit him once the ordeal of the operation was over, which happened to be occurring at a hospital across the street from a client. The client was Stony Brook University, and the hospital: Stony Brook University Hospital. I was a little apprehensive of the visit, since I didn’t know how he felt, or if he even wanted visitors. I sent his wife Joanne an email, but since I didn’t get a response, I thought I’d just go. I could imagine how crazy her days were, let alone have time to answer e-mails from cranky old men!

On a hot and humid Friday, I had a photo shoot with the client, using a medical photographer who is based at the hospital. We spent a lot of hours in the hot and stuffy rooms of the college, and shooting pictures under my direction. By the end of the day of in and out of the different buildings, I was exhausted, and realized I couldn’t move, let alone go to visit a recuperating friend.

The following week, I met in the photographer’s office and afterward, paid my visit to Dave, my recuperating high school classmate. I was nervous, and as I got to his room, I notice the curtain drawn around his bed! I knocked, no answer, I called out, no answer, I saw feet crossed at the foot of the bed and decided to stick my head in and call him.

He was watching a Yankee game. Good old Dave was on the mend! We greeted each other with some small talk, and being deaf, I had trouble hearing him because his voice is weak. I asked him to repeat what he had said, but still… I decided not to pursue it and let him go back to resting.

But in my feeble attempt to say goodbye, I said: “Dave, you look better all ready, and I only arrived 2 minutes ago!”

I could liken the feelings I had of going into that hospital room with what one feels when they visit a person who lost a loved one, especially at a funeral home. Apprehension: what do you say, and how do you say it. How do you offer help without sounding lame? More importantly, I want my offer to have meaning, bite, be real and sincere, and productive at the end. So I didn’t offer any help, just a promise to myself to get to know this wonderful couple once again, and see that they have help if they need it.

Sometimes prayers do work!

WHEN THINGS GO RIGHT

The other day #2 Son had a doctor’s appointment, so I went with him. Now I make jokes about my kids, but nothing that doesn’t border on the truth. Each child is unique, and all of them are distinctively smart as boys go. I should now rephrase that and say men!

After the appointment, since it was late morning, I decided to take him to lunch with me, so we could bond a little better, and maybe learn from each other.

I think it was a most pleasant experience for me. As you all know, #2 has his opinions about life and he shares them with us whether we want them or not! I used to think he was a card carrying communist, until I realized he is a better American than I am! He doesn’t like something this country is doing, he states it, and votes accordingly. He is always putting Uncle Sam’s feet to the fire, and more often than not: his opinions scorch me. I still don’t always agree with him, but he does do one thing. That one thing he does is not accepting anything at face value.

I thought how great is it that he would want the change for the better in his mind! Most of us keep quiet, and still others don’t even vote. He states his case and votes, looking for a better America! His protest is not to make America look bad, but to make her better!

So all these years he’s been arguing with me, I kind of agree with him in principle, maybe not entirely but to some small degree. He is always reading about something he is concerned with, looks objectively at the world, and STILL pisses me off! But his opinion seems honest! For that I am proud of him.

Our lunch turned out civil and enjoyable, and by golly, I may just do it again!

Maybe.

WHAT I NEED IS-CHICKENS!

Last year, at the suggestion of my Texas buddy, and 8th grade dance partner: Martha Scott, I joined Face Book to help me find my classmates for our reunion. Then someone said: “Ya gotta do the farming, Joe!’ So I went ahead and did a farm, not knowing what the hell the point is, but did it anyway.

Well, after about almost a year of this, I have been getting chickens, cows, (I own one, Cowabonga), sheep (no jokes, please) and various trees and of course my crops. People send me mystery gifts, which I can’t figure out what they are, gold coins and if I plow I find or get fuel!

Then one night, from New Jersey I get a call from my classmate Kathy Sperakis (10:30 pm) to join this co-op and plant something to help people get a gold ribbon or coins or something for all the people in the co-op. Mind you, this is all electronic daydreaming, but I figured, my life was in the balance so I better!

This is followed up recently by a request from Tanj the Enforcer, (Carol Patanjo) who said I should get up at the crack of daybreak and join another co-op, and that I better, because she knows where I live! That morning, I called California, where this all emanates from: requesting to speak with the head of the farming bureau for Face Book. Nobody knew what I was asking, since I was babbling incoherently.

FB: Face Book, how may I help you?

Me: “Yes, I need to speak with someone about helping me find your Farmville logo. I really need it, but I suddenly can’t find the logo on my page!”

FB: “Now calm down, and let’s see what the problem is. By the way, you just got a can of fuel from a FB buddy! Congratulations! Yes, I don’t see the Farm Ville logo either. Hmmm.”

Me: “But you have to help me find it, if one of my Face Book buddies doesn’t get what she wants, I’m in deep dodo!”

FB: “Now, it can’t be that bad, just a temporary glitch, that’s all!”

Me: “But you don’t understand, I was TOLD by her I had to do this first thing this morning!”

FB: “Really! She must be a tough customer!”

Me: “I’ll say, her name is Tanj, that’s what we call her.”

FB: You don’t mean Carol Patanjo, do you? Good luck with THAT!”

He hangs up and I am left with a dial tone from California!

Then I went to a party recently where they were all there, and what do they discuss: World affairs? No. Science, No. Farm Ville, and getting up at 4:00 AM to plow their fields!

By the way, does anyone know how to retrieve their Farm Ville logo when it disappears?

WE WERE ALL COOKING!

Let it be known, that my classmates like TLW (The Little Woman) more than they like me!


Recently we attended a bar-b-q at the lovely Pam Rae’s lovely home. Pam, or as I call her Rae Rae, gave us a great warm welcome and delicious food! The only thing that surpassed her hospitality was her lovely self.


On board this wonderful afternoon was the lovely TLW (The Little Woman), the equally lovelies: Judy Fuoco, Carol (Tanj) Patanjo, the beautiful Kathy and her husband good sport Jerry Walsh, the gorgeous Michele De Palo AKA DeVito and a wonderful guy named Nick, who is married to Michele, and the effervescent Pat Thatcher and my and everybody else’s cousin Vinnie! We were missing one important link in the group, that sexy old cutup, that wild and crazy gal, Aggie.
A few things I have to say.

Tanj gave me another shot, knocking me into next week, where she then continued to stomp me until I cried “uncle” And it had to be an uncle of hers before she’d stop! She worked so hard on belting me, she worked up a sweat and dove into a neighbor of Pam’s pool!

The lovely Judy along with Rae Rae, were found in the kitchen dancing a polka to Lawrence Welk, while Kathy kept time by leading the beat with her foot, the bad one! While all this was going on, Pat was tossing ice cubes down Rae Rae’s blouse to keep her dancing! It was a strange but wonderful time.

As for me, I just watched the action, and prayed that I get out of it alive.

After we fished Tanj out of the pool, and Rae Rae’s ice cubes were melted (we know they melted, Rae Rae uncrossed her arms) we had a meeting to plan our reunion down south in Florida next year in March, were we wish to plan a cruise. All this time, Michele had her finger poised to push the last push button on the phone for the police, screaming: “I’ll do it, so help me I will!”

Then the real fun began, as we all tried to leave, and Rae Rae made us all take food home with us, because as she said: “No one leaves skinnier than me, baby!”

But about my opening statement: “my classmates like TLW (The Little Woman) more than they like me!” when we arrived at Rae Rae’s house, she greeted TLW by saying; “Ah, my new best friend, did you have to bring what’s his face?”

R.I.P.

And how did your morning start off?

Well, last week my one Saturday morning didn’t start off that great. As I awoke I lay in bed contemplating staying there the whole day. It seems my foot was in agony from being on my feet the day before, because I had to direct a photo shoot. I dragged myself out and headed to my computer to make sure my blogue was up when TLW (The Little Woman) calls me.

“JOE!”
“Yes dear.”
“You awake?”
“Yes Dear”
“I went on my computer and it said I had to shut down!”
“Yes Dear”
“So I tried again!”
“Yes Dear”
“I got the same message so I went upstairs to your computer.”
“Yes Dear”
“Oh, by the way, your computer told me something needed more power!”
“Yes Dear”
“And when you go downstairs, Happy was barking at the pool, I think there is an animal in it!”
“Yes Dear”

So I shower and dress, and head downstairs, and stop at the den sliding door. I look out but don’t see anything and think it was a bird that bothered Happy.

“JOE!”
“Yes Dear”
“I think the animal is at the top of the pool steps!”
“Yes Dear”

I go out and investigate, and sure enough, without my first cup of coffee yet, I see what she is barking about, her and Happy.

There, huddled in a corner of the steps of the pool sits a rat! Alive and well but shaking! Now I have to think of how to get rid of it. I see my net on a long poll near by and I pick it up and get a plan. I will scoop the critter, and turn the net to hold the rat in so he can’t escape. I do so, and now I institute my part B of the genius plan, I move the net to a deep part of the pool and hold it down. I look at the rat while I hold down the net, and he’s looking up at me, waiting. I stay my ground and now he is getting anxious! He starts to move around in the net a little, looking for a way out. He is not going out on his own that was for sure. He becomes more frantic and desperate, seeking to escape, when sudden, little bubbles start to rise to the top, from the net. I wait, soon he is slowing down, almost slow motion in movement, when the end mercy comes to him, and he drowns!

I pull the net and think, what if he is trying to fool me. I look closely but he is dead. Now I have to dispose of him.

I go into the house where TLW is sitting on her recliner.

“Did you get rid of it?”
“Yes Dear, but I need some kind of container, like a margarine tub.”

We look and I find a Kool-Whip tub in the closet and take it out. I realize that it is too small for the rat and return into the den with the tub in hand.

“Isthatthingintheattub?Youbetternotbefoolingaround!JoegetthatoutofherenowI’mnotkiddingdon’tyoudearfoolaround.

“Darn” I think to myself, now I better NOT toss it at her.”

“Yes Dear, but don’t worry, the rat is larger than the tub. I need something larger to toss at you, I mean into the garbage.”

“TAKE A GARBAGE BAG FROM THE PANTRY CLOSET AND USE THAT!”
“Yes Dear”

And so, I faced down a rat, a drowning one! RIP (Rat In Place)!

THE WORM TURNS

I was in the Apple store in the Smith Haven Mall the other night to talk to the techie at the Genius Bar. This is the only bar I know of where you make an appointment, but the good thing is the help is free.
Wading through a large crowd, mostly looking at I-phones, I-pads and I-pods, I felt out of place with my (I) laptop.

In this store that once gave pleasure to Apple geeks like me, who love the Apple system, are little girls all buying different colored I-products! Gone are the young guys with the t-shirts that said “Go F*#% Yourself” instead they were working the genius bar, giving old guys like me help.

I got nice kid named Chris, who looked like he should do a commercial or two for Apple. Very handsome, with a day growth on his face, not only drew my attention, but that of every young lady in the house!

At first as they started straddling the stools next to me on both sides, I thought maybe I’m in the ladies section, or worse, the teenager section, but no, they just wanted to be close to Chris. All had this hostile look at me for being the one to talk to him.

As Chris ran off while my machine was updating, I turned to one young lady and said: “You know, he is looking to settle down. I think these guys make a lot of money!” She had a cute smile, even with a mouth full of braces that must have her old man in the poor house by now. She looked away and giggled, while I said I would see what I could do for her. Her geek was more efficient than Chris who was still waiting on another customer while my machine continued to update its programs. She left with her mamma, I think reluctantly, and since her mamma was in a hurry, I wrote off all my help as a matchmaker.

As the evening wore on, I started to get a little anxious! I seemed like the store was starting to close in on me, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I turned around as I noticed how louder it had gotten, and behind me was a sea of people! Too many were in that store for it to be safe, all were talking at once, all about the I-phone or I-whatever.

When I was finally finished, about an hour and a quarter later, I made a bee-line to the exit and took a deep breath. Down the way stood that young lady and her mother, at a kiosk. I decided, I better take the long way out.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MAUREEN AND ANGELA!

A TIGER OF A DIFFERENT STRIPE

Usually, when TLW (The Little Woman) and I go to shop for anything over $100, we are supposed to look around first and go to a few places before we decide if we want to buy it or not. This goes for any merchandise, other than clothing. Cars, refrigerators, furniture, are always predicated on the idea that we are “Just looking” and not buying.

Determined, we go into the first store and buy, but we do try to avoid the sales man at first, it never works, but we try. This time around, we had a plan!

“TLW: “We are going to JCPenney’s then BOB’s furniture store to price a sofa bed. You will keep quiet, not look ANY salesmen in the eye, and refrain from showing ANY interest. I looked in today’s paper, and there are sales for sofa beds.”

Being the man of the house, I spoke my piece:

“Yes, dear!” (No one tells me what to do without hearing about it first.)

The temperature is around 100 and neither one of us wants to go anywhere. So we go to Penney’s, and look, and miracle of miracles, no salesman approaches us, but we do get a “Good morning!” from a passing sales woman.

We look and actually like what we see! But we are holding off, I am fingering my wallet nervously, and TLW is starting to say: “Let’s… Lets…” the rest of the words are not getting out! She is trying to say but stopping herself from saying: “Let’s get it.” As in: “It’s too darn hot today to do this so let’s get the darn sofa bed and get it over with!”

Off we go to Bob’s and are greeted by a salesman. We know he is a salesman because he is looking at our foreheads and reading: “Sucker”!

“Can I help you with anything or direct you to what you are looking for?” inquires the man.

TLW breaks the rule and says: she is looking for the sofa beds. I guess the experience at the first store was too much for her, so she tired out! As for me, although I know we need help, am resistant to ask for it from the salesman, and feel somewhat out of step. I follow, being the hen pecked coward I am, and we arrive at the sofa beds. My wallet already is feeling lighter than when I enter the store. My suspicions being what they are I try to get a fix on the salesman. What will he try to sell me besides the sofa bed? We he try to get us to buy an undercoating or white walls with it? I know we don’t want sheets, since TLW mentioned that fact to me. We don’t need power windows or a vibrator, (I think) maybe he will try to get us to buy a chair bed to match the sofa bed.

Will that be all? Asked the man. Shockingly we shake our heads in the affirmative. I am starting to spiral downward in confusion, and TLW is starting to roam the store looking at other items of furniture, pointing out to me how much smaller and nicer a set of bedroom furniture looks compared to what we now have. I know this is just the shortness of the sale talking, once I get her out of the store, she will be fine. We sign off on the deal and delivery date and start to leave the store, waving “ciao” to our new best friend the salesman.

TLW: “Look at those lamps, and isn’t that frame nice I wonder what that ottoman costs those flowers look pretty in that vase do you think that bedspread would look good on our bed that bookcase is nice where do you think it would look good in our house…

I gently nudge her toward the door, which automatically opens and as we step out, a huge blast of hot air suddenly greets us. The shock of the heat is intense, as we retreat back into the air-conditioned store and I say: “Yes, those lamps are nice and I think that frame would go good with your mother’s picture in it hanging over a new ottoman with a nice vase full of fresh flowers but let’s not overlook the bed spread and by the way, the bookcase…”

WHEN IT RAINS

It was pouring tears the other day: mine! It seems that I have been having problems with my Internet connection, being knocked off and winding up using my neighbor TLC (The Lovely Carol)’s wireless instead, and not knowing it!

So after a few days of this aggravation, I call for technical support from my service provider. We go through everything and determine it is the router. My Airport router, which allows me to connect to the net wirelessly, was conking out, and guess what? Apple doesn’t support it anymore!

So I go to the Apple store and for $179, purchase a new router, bring it home and it does the same thing! Of course it does, it IS mine after all!

I call another techy from Apple this time who finally figures out that I installed it properly, but the instructions never mention to shut down the modem after the installation, so it is looking for the old router. I shut it down and reboot it and it works! But wait, it doesn’t end there! I decide, I want TLW (The Little Woman) to be able to send a document wirelessly to my printer from downstairs to my studio. Mr. Techy sets it up and I go downstairs to make the proper configurations in the preference folder on TLW’s laptop, and more trouble!

The laptop is an old version trying to communicate with a new system. I call a new Mr. Techy to have him tell me the service contract on the laptop has expired in 2006! Of course it did, shouldn’t it, after all, it is mine!

Techy: “You have two choices, one is to pay through the nose with a credit card that will fund my children’s education and enough vacations to Hawaii for me to be sick of them, or, you can take this website down and try yourself to work through it.

Well I take the later, and realize he has me looking at a newer version of the laptop system, and not the system it has! Mr. Techy is lost in cyber space! I try for a few hours to try to figure it out to no avail and decide: Tomorrow I go to the Genius Bar at the Apple store. Why? Because the laptop is refusing to work!

WHAT THE ????

I turned on my computer last week and went to the internet. Looking at my email for my business account, I then jumped to my social one, joedelbroccolo@yahoo.com. A message appears, that it could not find my browser! This is the same browser the night before that worked so well. I thought: “Maybe there is a lot of traffic out there right now, with summer vacation, all the kids are on. I decided to wait until mid morning and try again. Mid morning comes, and I try and still the same thing. This frustrates me but I still think it is too many people trying to get on.

After a number of days I’m thinking I need to try to fix this problem. I go into preferences for my browser, and think I have it solved, but bang, it starts in again. I continue to try to solve the issue but it will not go away. So one night I decide to communicate through the computer with my internet provider.

Suddenly this very polite screen comes on and even says: “Good evening, Joseph, how may I help you?”

I’m now thinking that Mom has gotten a job with the internet provider at the age of 92! She is the only person that still calls me Joseph.

Me: (Typing) Hi Ma, when did you take this job, and so late at night? Do you need money or something?

Paul: (The internet provider techie) “How may I help you Joseph?”

Me: My email account keeps asking me for my password, and I forgot that a long time ago, when I forgot how to behave! On top of that, I keep losing my browser page! Oh, God! Can you help me???”

Paul: “First we deal with your email. Sit up straight.”

A note pops up: “We would like to share your screen with you, click OK”

I click OK because don’t forget, Paul could be Mom!

Suddenly my screen becomes alive, my arrow darting all over my screen here and there, dropdown menus zipping open and closed. I think maybe the screen is possessed! After a series of requests to unplug the power source to my router, Paul (Mom) tells me that my problem is my apple router, to call Apple and ask them for help, before I buy a new router. This is always good news.

Paul: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “No thank you Paul, you were a great help.”

Paul: “and don’t be like your sisters, call me more often!”

FOUR YEARS IS A LONG TIME

In 2006, on this day, I announced that I was retiring. Four years is a long time, and I didn’t know what the future held for me. Now that I look back, I am amazed with what has happened to me! Looking back is very shocking to me since I didn’t think this much could happen!

First there is this blog, which has gone to an everyday posting. Not only that, but I have inspired two people to start their own blogs, and they are terrific! I started a blog called Ellen’s Way: http://ellendelbloggolo.blogspot.com/

I have found three friends from my old neighborhood, and many more old friends that are new again! All are beautiful people, all I am glad to find.

There is my board of directors and my chairing many committees, getting deeply involved and loving it. There is the church with the chairmanship of the golf committee and the Fund Raising committees. I chaired a very successful high school reunion with the help of a great committee, and am planning a cruise for next year. And I’m even doing some design work! Yes the very thing I retired from is here to haunt me.

What does TLW (The Little Woman) think of all this? I’m not sure, but I think she wishes in a way she could retire too.

Over the course of these past 4 years, I have gotten busier and more occupied than I could imagine! I knew I wasn’t going to sit home and watch TV all day: that I would either find things to do, or make things happen. Both are true! The best part of retirement is that I don’t care on a Sunday evening about Monday morning. I am a lot more relaxed now, more tolerant and less anxious about things.

So if you retire, just don’t retire from life.

WELL HOW DO YOU DO MISS AVA!

The blogging world is getting better all the time. More people are writing than ever before, and it gets to be fun to hear another point of view.

Life is full of coincidences, for instance, I once wrote a blog about my old elementary school back in Brooklyn, and someone surfing the web found it. He lived around the corner from me in those Brooklyn days, then I find out Jim’s birthday is the day before mine, he writes a blog or two http://jpantaleno.blogspot.com/ and http://spaldeendreams.blogspot.com/ one is filled with some great observation and one is about dear old Brooklyn in the 50’s.

So last year, we decided to get together as Brooklyn boys, bloggers and birthday boys and celebrate our meeting. I took TLW (The Little Woman) and he took the lovely Jasmine, his wife.

Well one blog led to another and now we have the The Whinery http://lbeeler.blogspot.com/ a very funny and sarcastic observation and point of view about life. This blog is written by his only daughter, who I recently had the pleasure of meeting for the first time. Laura and her husband Malcolm joined us for dinner at the Pompei in West Hempstead. Accompanying them was their beautiful little girl: Ava. Ava is 7-years of age, and very bright, funny like her mom, and just a good kid.

Ava was born with an extremely rare (as in one in 250,000 live births) craniofacial syndrome. (See Ellen’s Way, Ava’s Story for details.) http://ellendelbloggolo.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2010-05-31T00%3A00%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

Well, Miss Ava stole the show, the dinner was not just a pleasant repast with some beautiful people, it was a chance to meet a little hero, who has more moxie, more guts and more beauty then most of us.

Little Ava’s story will have a happy ending. She is too cute, smart and wonderful not to. Pray for little Ava, that she be able to withstand all the operations and testing she is put through. Pray her parents have the strength and will power to help little Ava ride out this storm. Looking for a worthy cause? http://www.ccakids.com/

ARE WE JUST PLAIN STUPID?

Or, let’s build a mosque at Ground Zero!

I don’t like to go off on political points of view in this blogue, but enough is enough!

The politicians, those pusillanimous cowards that bend over backwards to appease our enemies and try to make nice are at it again! The outrageous idea that we should build a mosque at ground zero, a place that should be considered sacred ground, is being defiled and made into a mockery of those innocents that were murdered in the name of Islam! That is right, murdered is the word I use.

This is a religion that has in its place, room for hatred for Jews and the Jewish state, hate for America and democracy, and hate for progress, lowering the status of women to that of sub-human! Why the hell don’t we build a Shinto shrine at the site of the Arizona at Pearl Harbor, or hang the Nazi flag with a memorial to Hitler at Auschwitz?



The fact that Mayor Blumberg would defend this is an insult to me, as that I always thought he was a decent man and politician. Surprise, surprise! And that sanctimonious fake in the senate, Schumer, how could you Charlie?

I don’t make endorsements if I can help it, but this time I will. VOTE FOR LAZIO! He is asking the right question, where is the funding coming from? Why isn’t that phony marshmallow: Andy Boy Cuomo not looking into it? Where is he on this? No public assurances that he will at least look into it? He will when he sees how unpopular his stance is, and for no other reason as he runs for governor.



Now this mosque, a so-called house of prayer, is going to be a mega-mosque, something for New Yorkers to look at and be reminded that the people that pray there are preyers indeed. That they killed over 2,000 innocents in their cowardly act of terrorism, and are being funded by very questionable resources, does not deter the bastard politicians from defending their right to this treasonous act of self-terrorism. Explain this all to those little children that never saw their mothers and fathers after September 11, 2001. Tell all this to the brave firemen and policemen who lost their brothers and sisters in the rescue efforts. Remember it yourself when you see the reruns of Americans, both black and white, yellow and red, running from the awful cloud of all engulfing dust of the Twin Towers.

No one says they can’t build their mosque. No one is putting a limit on how big it should be, but you MUST be conscious of my feelings and millions of Americans like me, who feel that this is inexcusable and in poor taste.

I for one am tired of appeasing these criminals. I for one am tired and angry at how this country has turned into a place where we become overly sensitive to what people in this mad world think of us. I am certainly tired of the political correctness that is being forced down people’s throats, for the need to be sensitive. Where do we draw a line?

There is a word that is now taboo. A word that once was used on stationary, wording on buildings and in our everyday language, is now thrown out of our language. This word defines a person with mental handicaps and is a perfectly usable word. The word is retarded, and describes someone who is delayed, or something that is stopped or slow. People use it in a derogatory way, so we change it! What are we doing? When should not change our language, we should be changing the people who misuse it. So we use mental disability, and I think the people that make this change are the ones who have a mental disability. What does this speak to? It speaks to the appeasers that live and make policy in this country. It speaks to the way we cowardly avoid confrontation now, instead of dealing with the evils we need to deal with.

So this mind set will dictate to us that a mosque be built at ground zero. After all, we do not wish to offend a small minority in this country, and a desert-filled with nomads a few thousand miles away, while we do offend America, what she stands for and all those families that were affected by the terrorism visited on us.

I still remember the news footage of a bunch of dating goat lovers in Lebanon, celebrating in the streets that faithful day of September 11, 2001. I see them dancing and smiling, and enjoying our sorrow. I ask you, do you wish to have that mosque defile your fellow Americans?