A TIGER OF A DIFFERENT STRIPE

Usually, when TLW (The Little Woman) and I go to shop for anything over $100, we are supposed to look around first and go to a few places before we decide if we want to buy it or not. This goes for any merchandise, other than clothing. Cars, refrigerators, furniture, are always predicated on the idea that we are “Just looking” and not buying.

Determined, we go into the first store and buy, but we do try to avoid the sales man at first, it never works, but we try. This time around, we had a plan!

“TLW: “We are going to JCPenney’s then BOB’s furniture store to price a sofa bed. You will keep quiet, not look ANY salesmen in the eye, and refrain from showing ANY interest. I looked in today’s paper, and there are sales for sofa beds.”

Being the man of the house, I spoke my piece:

“Yes, dear!” (No one tells me what to do without hearing about it first.)

The temperature is around 100 and neither one of us wants to go anywhere. So we go to Penney’s, and look, and miracle of miracles, no salesman approaches us, but we do get a “Good morning!” from a passing sales woman.

We look and actually like what we see! But we are holding off, I am fingering my wallet nervously, and TLW is starting to say: “Let’s… Lets…” the rest of the words are not getting out! She is trying to say but stopping herself from saying: “Let’s get it.” As in: “It’s too darn hot today to do this so let’s get the darn sofa bed and get it over with!”

Off we go to Bob’s and are greeted by a salesman. We know he is a salesman because he is looking at our foreheads and reading: “Sucker”!

“Can I help you with anything or direct you to what you are looking for?” inquires the man.

TLW breaks the rule and says: she is looking for the sofa beds. I guess the experience at the first store was too much for her, so she tired out! As for me, although I know we need help, am resistant to ask for it from the salesman, and feel somewhat out of step. I follow, being the hen pecked coward I am, and we arrive at the sofa beds. My wallet already is feeling lighter than when I enter the store. My suspicions being what they are I try to get a fix on the salesman. What will he try to sell me besides the sofa bed? We he try to get us to buy an undercoating or white walls with it? I know we don’t want sheets, since TLW mentioned that fact to me. We don’t need power windows or a vibrator, (I think) maybe he will try to get us to buy a chair bed to match the sofa bed.

Will that be all? Asked the man. Shockingly we shake our heads in the affirmative. I am starting to spiral downward in confusion, and TLW is starting to roam the store looking at other items of furniture, pointing out to me how much smaller and nicer a set of bedroom furniture looks compared to what we now have. I know this is just the shortness of the sale talking, once I get her out of the store, she will be fine. We sign off on the deal and delivery date and start to leave the store, waving “ciao” to our new best friend the salesman.

TLW: “Look at those lamps, and isn’t that frame nice I wonder what that ottoman costs those flowers look pretty in that vase do you think that bedspread would look good on our bed that bookcase is nice where do you think it would look good in our house…

I gently nudge her toward the door, which automatically opens and as we step out, a huge blast of hot air suddenly greets us. The shock of the heat is intense, as we retreat back into the air-conditioned store and I say: “Yes, those lamps are nice and I think that frame would go good with your mother’s picture in it hanging over a new ottoman with a nice vase full of fresh flowers but let’s not overlook the bed spread and by the way, the bookcase…”