OR, SO SHE SAYS

My dog Happy (who is anything but) has been written about enough in this space to start her own cult. She is a smart dog, just obstinate and ornery. Mean would also be a fair description since she never gives a stranger a chance.

You have heard my side of the story, but not Happy’s, at least not until now. In the interest of fair play, I have invited Happy to tell her side of the story, no holes barred. Please understand that her side is uncoersed and spontaneous in nature. But it seems she has a bone to pick with me.

Well, let me say first that I am shocked that I even have this chance to tell my side! Since the day I came here to adopt these people, I have never said anything to upstage these people or cause any discomfort. And what do I get?

Let’s start with the old one, that crotchety old geezer that seems to have to have it his way. I try to sit on a chair and watch the world go by, and I am chased off. He eats something, and you think he’d give me some? NO! I get him to give me something, and it is a BIG deal! You’d think I asked him to empty his refrigerator! Save for some crummy pizza crust once a week on a Friday night, all I ever get is dried dog food! Who can eat that crap anyhow? And go somewhere? I get taken for shots at the veterinarian’s or people pawing me with clippers and shavers, no run in a park if you ask me.

The boss is no better! She makes sure smiley doesn’t give me any food scraps. I mean food scrapes, what’s the big deal? And when I need to go out to do my business, it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to open the door. When someone does, who do they send? They send that old geezer, smiles and all, grumbling all the way from his chair to the sliding door. And do they give me any privacy? NOOOOOO! They watch! What are they watching for? I get back to the back door and more often than not, no treat! You’d think they’d have a treat ready. After all I do preserve their carpet! I have to go begging for a lousy treat. If SHE happens to be near the treat jar, maybe I get one, maybe I don’t.

Now we got the kid. You know, #2 Son as he is known. He’s a little better than the old mean one and a lot better than that tyrant he married! He will slip me a scrap or two, maybe a large piece of something which he will share. But big deal, NO MEAT! He’s a vegetarian! Of all the places to come to live in, I get one with a vegetarian! Really sucks, no meat at all in that place. Oh, once in a while snoozy, the old codger will give a piece, providing his boss isn’t looking, but let’s face it, he’s such a weenie!

Now the other winter, I happened to be searching for some territory to score if yo know what I mean. And what do these people have? A huge hole in the ground that is filled with water, that I can’t reach to drink out of in their back yard. So what happens? I fall in, that’s what. Old grouchy is sound asleep upstairs, and the old lady is on duty. She drags me out, then gives me hell for falling in! Nice! Think she’d say say how sorry she is, no- it’s: OH HAPPY! YOU DUMB DOG, WHY ARE YOU WALKING SO CLOSE TO THE EDGE FOR?” Real sympathetic. I could have frozen my tail off, what’s left of it!

I tell you, if I were a little younger, I’d pack a bag with some treats and hit the road.

When I first showed up, you couldn’t get away from these people! Everywhere I went, there they were, watching, playing, feeding me. Put on a year or two, and forgettaboutit! Well, I think I’ll go into the foyer and take a nap on the tile, it’s too hot a day today, and these people are making me nuts!