ALWAYS GO, BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

If there is one thing I have, it is the need to use a toilet when none is around! If you go on a long trip, and you do not drive, the annoyance can be magnified at my age.

A number of times in the course of my life, I have been on buses, trains or planes, and the old kidney would reach out to me and make a comment: “NOW! NOW! NO, I DON”T WANT TO WAIT! NOW!” would be what it would say.

Being an adventurous soul that I am, I usually take the shortest route to the bus toilet, even if I have to climb over some little old lady. One thing I notice is that in 38 years of marriage, TLW (The Little Woman) never has to go. In fact, she doesn’t even know what our toilets at home look like, if it weren’t for the fact that she cleans them!

Once in Europe, I believe it was Tuscany, I went to the bus toilet, where once inside, the bus driver was involved in a high-speed chase! Turning hair pin corners, on its two side wheels, abrupt stop and starts, high to low then high speed movements. All in the time it took for me to find the target!

I know this blogue is somewhat crude in subject matter, but you understand that I am of the age where I don’t have to give a darn. I can even lean to one side or the other and make ‘funny’ noises in public!

Getting back to the subject at hand, there was this weekend. It was a slow steady ride. That is until I entered the bus toilet. Nudging TLW that I needed to go, she arose from her seat so I could get out, and the action began. The look in her eyes said: “You poor old bastard.” All these tour bus drivers carry a photo of me that the bus company gives them. This is in lieu of a bonus check at Christmas. The driver checked the photo and smiled. He knew he would be able to entertain himself, once the door closed behind me.

As I entered, a light went on, this is for your convenience, to see what parts of your body you will bang up. If you are a man, you know that in order to “GO” standing, you should have a steady floor, and a smooth ride. Not the case in a bus toilet. Noooo Sirreee! If you reach for the two side-bars, the bus driver has you right where he wants you, and the bus maintenance crew will find you and hunt you down.

This particular bus from Wells and Wells, had a full length mirror facing you if you are a man. It is the final indignity of it all. You watch yourself as you become unraveled, disheveled and black and blue. It finally dawned on me, that the only way to survive was to sit! Yes! Just like a woman!

How is it that all these toilets are so small? Planes, trains and buses, all have small toilets that are so cramped that you could not move more than a few inches either way. The bus in Tuscany, had one rule that I did not see until after I used it. I entered the toilet while it was stopped. As the door closed, the light went off! In the dark I had to deal with the trouncing I got. When I finally got out, when the bus stopped, there was a little sign that said the doors lock when the bus is in motion!

Please remember all those who need our prayers, including my brother-in-law John.

TOMORROW: Hockey, a game or a cry for help?