ROAD RAGE

Today’s rant is brought to you by: the makers of cigarette butts on the ground, loud music, intense makeup applications, and chitchat, that wonderful method of slowing down traffic.

You may find it hard to believe from reading this blogue, but I can be a reasonable man! I don’t find too much to be annoying or troublesome, but get behind the wheel, and every damned fool in the universe is in front of me!

Who am I talking about? Those turkeys driving with little regard, little idea, and little sense when behind the wheel of an auto. I don’t know about where you live, but here on Long Island, the worse drivers exist. They have all moved to my neighborhood, and seem to congregate in front of me while I drive.

There is the college or high school kid. Emulating Ishiro Tsumamato, the famous Kamikaze pilot (Over 50 missions before his father took away the plane keys.) Wearing a baseball cap, brim flat, and turned slightly askew on his square head! Not cool, kid! No. You look like a schmuck, AND, you left the labels on the visor. He sits behind the front seat to drive, music blaring, almost lying down (how the hell you can see out the front window is beyond me!) He spends his time checking himself out in the mirror, instead of checking out the traffic. Like a moron, he zooms up and tailgates, inviting disaster, and wonders why his car insurance is so high.

Then there are the chitchat ladies. You find them at the light stopped. Busily in conversation with their hands in motion, they are not necessarily Italian. Sitting six car-lengths behind the car in front of them, when the light changes, and after I beep my horn, they finally realize they have to move, getting by the green light just as it changes, leaving you behind the red light! I must confess to swearing a little.

Mr. muscles and good looks is usually on the highway, combs his hair, flips a cigarette out the window, and rolls his head as he drives, wondering what that heavy weight is on his shoulders. His driving is like he is being sexually molested while trying to stay on the road! All over the lanes he goes, slows down, speeds up, drifts, while checking his mpg player, text messaging, and just out because he heard that I was out there, and a space was open in front of my car. If I try to get in front of him as he slows down, he will step on it and prevent me from getting there. Generally, his low I.Q. gets the better of him. What I do is as I come up to him is, I pretend I’m going right, looking into my rear-view mirror, checking my right back side, all along really checking how far I am in front of him. He relaxes, and I cut in. My “Up yours, amigo” nicely finishes off my maneuver!

Early mornings will find the next birdie. She is busily applying makeup, smoking a cigarette, text messaging, and adjusting the volume on her radio AND her rear view mirror. A dangerous driver, she will weave in and out of a lane, tailgate, and sped up to 100 mph to close a gap in front of her. As she cuts you off, her attitude is “you don’t exist!” God help us all!

Please remember all those that need our prayers, especially my brother-in-law, John, who drives very well, just like me! :-)