THE OCCASIONAL TOURIST

TLW (The Little Woman) and I have over the past two or three years, become regular tourists. That is not to say we wear loud shirts and shorts, carry a camera around our neck, and shoot everything in sight, while speaking Japanese. You could consider us occasional tourist, or occidental tourist! We are domestic tourists or DT’s. We only travel to destinations on a bus or train, providing I don’t need to use the toilet too often.

Traveling primarily to a foreign destination like NYC, we decided long ago to see what we live near, and not just go off to some foreign land and spend our money. The effect of visiting NYC is two fold, 1) it gets us out of the house, and b) it is just like any other country, I can’t understand the natives! English is a second language in NYC, as Spanish has taken over! Pakistani is a very close third, although the middle finger is right up there!

The people that take these tours with us are mostly older people. Retired, tired, and cranky, I fit right in! Most are women who go off without their husbands, and the husbands that do come, like me, are trainees for bobble-head dolls, as we stand there, and shake our heads “yes” to everything our wives say. (Men, read the “or Else” clause in your marriage license.)

Being how I like to learn new things (providing there is no final exam), this type of touring is suited for my quest to improve myself for when I die. (I don’t want someone at my funeral saying: “Man, he was one dumb bastard!”)

One of our visits was to Central Park, and I thought: “A park? I could go to a park and not spend the money to see flowers and trees, and maybe some birds.” But I was wrong, I learned. Never sit on a park bench without first looking down on where you will sit! While you are looking where you sit, look where you step!

The Rainbow Room was another adventure that was perfect for me. The top of NYC, I had brunch and enjoyed the view of a teeming city of heat, hot cement, crowds of unhappy people and bus fumes. There was this one “lady” in the Rainbow Room who stood ahead of me in the buffet line, about 300 pounds of pure beauty, orange hair and tattoos all over her body. Wearing tight fitting clothing including a short dress. She had a tattoo of fire on one leg, a tattoo of the devil on her other leg, and when she crossed her legs, she looked like hell! The cellulite was now getting it’s own cellulite, and the look on her face said: “If you dare to get in front of me on the buffet line, you will BE the buffet.”

Waiting to get on or off a bus with older people in front of you can be very time consuming. If the doctor didn’t give you long to live, I suggest you get a second opinion if you travel the buses with these nice folks. They are by nature kind and considerate, not like the “Me First” generation of today. But they are slow! Deferring to one another, it takes a while to determine who should get out of their seat first, and who still wants to sneak a fart out before leaving the bus.

Most of these trips leave the meeting place around 7:30 or 8:00 AM, and the women seem to take perfumes baths prior to boarding! The mixed aroma of these “lovely’ women is or can be overpowering, as is their laughter and chit chat. Their running time is longer that the bus-ride into Manhattan. Coming home on the bus, people seem to slow down from their day, although the women still smell of perfume, and still chat, trying to finish up what they started on the bus in the morning.

Please remember all those that need our hopes and prayers, including MMB (My Man Bill) and my brother-in-law, John.