ANEMA E’ CUORE or HEART AND SOUL

Today I went to the cardiologist to do some tests. Sitting in the waiting room, I thought about this week and the fact that I had a lunch date with a priest, and now my cardiologist is waiting for me!

I remember that song from so long ago, Anema e’ Cuore (SOUL AND HEART) sung by Perry Como.

That was love: this is something else!

So the cardiologist gave me a thing called a halter. You have to wear it for 24 hours straight. The technician said:

“Now you can’t shower with it on. You have to wait 24 hours!”

“You mean I will be stinking when I show up tomorrow?”

“Is there any way you can come in late?”

Frankly, I don’t think I have the chest for a halter.

The doctor was running late. He kept me waiting for over 20 minutes, then I discovered why!

The patients ahead of me were all over 80. When one was next, the nurse would have to yell the name. Then go over to them, and shake them awake, then yell their name once again. Then they would slowly, and I mean slowly get up from their chair. All were wearing a reference to their grandchildren. Once they were standing, slowly they moved to the examining room! Did I mention they all were wearing sneakers?

One lady wore jeans that had embroided along each leg, a white floral design! This went with her high boots, and funky hat, it didn’t go with the walker!

The nurse called for me, butchering my last name as he did. Looking around for the guy he called, it dawned on me, IT WAS ME!

Following him into the examining room. He said in perfect English. AHHlai downonda table pleeze Butt fierst takehoff you toppp.

He takes out this jell and starts smearing it all over my chest and sides, sets up a computer, his fingers dancing across the key board like a digital Fred Astaire. Once he is ready, he takes the device that has a ball on the end and starts to stick it into my chest, hard!

For a half hour, he is trying to hide the device in my chest, when finally he gives up.

They send me home with the halter, and with it comes a diary that I have to keep. They want me to record all my activity. I read: “ACTIVITIES: Sitting, walking, strenuous exercise, eating, smoking, urinating, bowel movements, intercourse, taking medication, or emotional upsets, such as anger or sorrow.” If I may, I’d like to add one more. READING THESE G*%#@$&*(&&^$%^#&^%(*&%%#&&%^ INSTRUCTIONS!

“URINATING!” “BOWEL MOVEMENTS” “INTERCOURSE!!” Who is my doctor, Hugh Hefner?

Next to the activity you are suppose to put down the symptom you feel.

Here is my latest entry:

ACTIVITY: Second Jack Daniels Manhattan
SYMPTOM: Feeling Great!

Tomorrow I go for a PVR, the treadmill and a break down.