WHAT’S PROTOCOL?

The other day I had lunch with a priest. No, not a voodoo priest, but a regular, run-of-the-mill priest. Nice fellow, Fr. Dan, but a little naiveté, since he asked me to run his fund raising! There were other people there, but still, I had some concerns.

For instance, what happens if anyone has wine? Will he jump right in and do a consecration? Or the bread, will he break it first, then: pass that around?

OK, so the waitress comes out with my plate, what happens? Does Fr. Dan say grace in a public place? Does he bless it first? Do I stopped and bow my head or make a sign of the cross? Will God hunt me down for writing this?

Should I even be eating with a priest? I’m not really all that religious, so I wonder about these things.

Now take the Pope. Will he be converting the bread and wine into beer and pretzels first? After all, he is German by birth. If he does, bet he gets a lot of converts. I personally will become deeply religious.

I had to practice all week simple phrases. Anything that might come from a conversation had to be practiced, so I didn’t slip. For instance: “Gee, that was FUNNY!” It could come out: “God&$#* that was ($^##(^% FUNNY!”

I can sometimes evoke the name of Jesus when something surprises me. Again, for instance: “Wow, she has some rack!” could come out: “Jesus, get a load of those!” So you see my concerns.

My suggestion is NOT to stand too close to me from now on!