Once we left our son reluctantly we arrived home to sort out the different feelings and try to make sense of it. It seems to take a long time to do so. The shock and cold wave of revulsion over what happened leaves you in a sort of state of suspended animation.
As I go through my day, I feel like I am watching my life as if it was on TV, detached from the reality of life itself and the constant downer as I think of my son and grandchildren. Being born or having her taken away from you at a young age without a mother pains me for them. Losing your spouse when you need her most to deal with the heartache compiles on my depression and forces me into a gloom that has settled in.
I am trying to do normal things again yet have no enthusiasm for it. The agency sends me reports that I haven’t opened yet, chores that seem so unimportant and bothersome make me disagreeable. If it weren’t for my friends and family there would be a disappearance of spirit and soul.
I know I need to go on, I realize people are waiting in the wings for me to come back, leaving me plenty of space to do so but they need to move on as well but take in consideration my state of being.
I will try not to write about this anymore and hope there comes a time when I feel comfortable once more.
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